Control Freak

"My name is Dean and I'm a control freak." That's how the meetings of Control Freaks Anonymous would begin. There are no CFA meetings, of course, because none of the members would be allowed to run the meetings, so none of us would show up!

I am a recovering control freak. For some deeply insane reason I think I should be in charge of everything. That would be very bad for everyone in the universe.

For numerous reasons it took my ex and I almost two years to divorce. As part of the process, the state of Texas insisted that we each attend a "divorce class". It even came with a text book.

When I heard that I had to go to a class on how to get divorced properly, I was - ironically amused. I didn't have to attend a class to get married. (I understand that many pastors require this before agreeing to officiate the wedding now. For the record, this is a great idea.) On my way to the class I was thinking, "we are in the middle of divorce. We are all so cynical at this point that I don't think any of us will be listening."

There must have been one hundred fifty people in that room. I was stunned. They had this class at least every month. I think it was even more often. Was the room this full every time? I remembered the schedule was consistent. It was always in the same room - on this side of town. There were other locations in town. Then I thought, "Dear God help us."

How could there possibly be this many divorces every month and yet we don't have complete chaos in our society? Did all of these people have kids? How many shattered lives were represented in that room that Saturday morning?

The class began. After a few minutes of obligatory introductions and paperwork the instructor began. I only remember two of the things she said. The first applied to me the most.

"One of the reasons you are getting divorced is because you couldn't get your spouse to do what you wanted. Now that you are divorced, don't kid yourself, you won't be able to control them now, either.

I knew that was what I had been sent there to hear. I even wrote it down.

That class lasted at least two hours. It was full of really good nuts and bolts "how to's" of living as a divorced person. Apparently we've practiced it so much here in America that we have it down to a science. What does that say about us as a culture? (See? I'm recovery, not recovered. But, I digress.

I didn't get this lesson perfect from the day I attended this class. And I still haven't. It actually took several years before I stopped thinking I could "get" my ex to see and do things my way. But, I did get there.

Eventually I realized that I'd been holding myself captive by fooling myself in this area. I put myself on an emotional roller coaster by trying to control the actions of another person. It did not matter if my reasons were "it's what's best for the kids." My approach was wrong. And it caused all kinds of unnecessary stress for her, the kids and me.

I am learning that there is a God - and I ain't Him. I am not in control and my life and my kids' lives are much better for it.

That's my view from here.