Be Prepared

One of the issues I had to confront very quickly was how completely unprepared I was for the task I had chosen.

As I've said before, I did not have a father and my mother had to work all the time. As a consequence I didn't really have a parenting reference point to start from. Not even a bad one.

As a boy I played sports. The coaches made it clear - "get the job done or get cut." When I went into the Air Force they modified it. "Get the job done." When I became a civilian again employers changed it again, "Get the job done or you're fired."

As a dad, I knew I had to get the job done - period. The problem was, I wasn't even sure what the job was, let alone how to do it. But, I jumped right in any way!

In those first few months, several times I would notice my oldest son looking at me with a very puzzled look on his face. He insists he doesn't remember but, I was sure he was thinking, "have you had any training for this?"

I had to learn that usually when a young child is frustrated and begins whining about a task they've been assigned; "I don't care how you feel. Just get it done.", is not the correct response. I honestly did not know that these were teaching moments and these times were opportunities to build relationship with my kids.

I learned this principle soon enough but, I still had no clue as to what the "finished product" was supposed to look like. I spent lots of early mornings trying to figure it out and get the answer in prayer. I spent lots late nights reading books and magazine articles written by experts. I would search the scriptures and was very surprised to find how few "how to's" were in there. This was a little disappointing but, I was soon able to work it out.

Finally, I just sat down one day and worked it out as simply as I knew how.

My priorities were:

1. I wanted my children to grow up to share my faith.
2. I wanted my children to grow up to be decent human beings who were happy and healthy adults.
3. I wanted my children to grow up to be quality spouses and parents.

It is easy to fall into the delusion that accomplishing the first goal will automatically cause the next two to just happen. But, I had seen too many people who had raised their kids in the faith and, as adults, their kids had rejected the faith because their parents' emotional, social, or financial lives were a mess. The kid figured, "if mom and dad's faith doesn't work at home, why would I think it works anywhere else?"

My kids had already seen that dad's faith couldn't keep mom and dad together. That was a very big strike against me. At 34, I knew myself fairly well and I knew I would make plenty more mistakes. I was going to have to fix me if I wanted any chance to see my desires for my children fulfilled.  

I found a counselor I trusted and started going regularly. I won't bore you with the long list of things I've worked on. As with everything else in life I've had varying degrees of success. But, I practice grace with my kids and they practice it with each other and with me. I am a very blessed man.

My faith teaches me to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." Out of love for my kids I've put a lot more effort into practicing this verse than I ever thought I would. It's been eight and a half years and the work I still need can be depressing! But, I can honestly say that the results I see in my children because I decided to deal with my own junk are measurable and well worth it.  

That's my view from here.