Recovery

Having kids is a tremendous aid in the recovery of a control freak. That or a fast track to a nervous breakdown.

One thing that I noticed pretty quickly was that, as long as I was there and interacting with the kids, we all lived a fairly peaceful existence. But, if I had to spend more than two or three minutes out of contact all hell broke loose.  Every time.

I started out explaining, "When I have to go the bathroom that is not time for you guys to go crazy." "When I have to cut the grass that is not time for you guys to fight." When I have to..." You get the picture.

I found myself asking, "How can I fix this?" "How can I put a stop to this?" A number of potential solutions crossed my mind. There is the way society does it. "If you don't follow the rules you get fined, go to jail or, in extreme cases, get executed."

There is the way the church used to do it. "We may not be able to see you all the time but, God does.  God is always watching. And if you step out of line He'll getcha!" This works until they start testing boundaries and find out that God isn't sitting there with a sledge hammer waiting for you to step outside the fences so He can crush you. They figure out quickly that that is not God's character.

As I thought about it, there is some truth to both of these approaches. Life does have consequences for bad behavior. and there are spiritual consequences (some eternally serious) for sin. Where these approaches fall short is twofold:

1. Both of these solutions use fear as their motivating force.

2. Coercing the correct behavior from someone does nothing to change their inner motivation.

About this time I came across a quote. I think it was C.S. Lewis but, I am not sure. Here's the quote:

"Rome tried to change the world by changing men's laws. Christ tried to change the world by changing men's hearts."

I realized I was dealing with a 'super natural' problem but, I'd been using 'natural' solutions. Unless my children's hearts were inclined toward peace with one another only my restraining presence or punishments would maintain the peace I so desperately wanted in my home.

How exactly had Jesus dealt with this problem? His was a two step process.

1. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...(Jesus was a living demonstration of the Father's love)

2. Jesus said, "If you love Me you'll do what I say. And doing what I say won't be forced." (Jesus explained to those closest to Him how to show their love for Him)

I didn't really know how to go about this other than to copy Jesus. So, I just started telling them, "I go to work everyday to provide for you because I love. I make your meals, do your laundry....because I love you. Do you love me?"  "Yes." "If you love me you'll love and respect each other and follow the rules."

Then I would pray.

My kids are by no means the model Christian children you would expect to see in a magazine or "Christian" television show. We have real issues that need real solutions. Our lives are not cake walks.

I won't bore you with a list of my kids' virtues. I can tell you that, so far, my kids have made choices that are infinitely better than the choices I made at their respective ages.

These are regular kids whose lives are far better than their father's life was as a kid. And that has happened, in part, because God gave me the grace to see that I could not control their lives for them. But, I could help them learn to live healthy lives themselves.

What they do with what I teach them is completely up to them.


That's my view from here.