Honesty

Up until the very end of our relationship, my ex and I did a descent job of keeping our disagreements away from the kids. As we were going through the divorce proceedings and for a time after the divorce was final, the emotions were so frayed and raw that it became more difficult. But, after a period of time, we both settled down and went back to trying to keep our disagreements between us. And we have both made genuine efforts to not put the children in between us in our disagreements. We both believe that is completely unfair to them.

For many years, while I denied it with my mouth, in my heart I was searching for the Utopian church. I would hear things like, "If you find the perfect church, please, don't join it. You'll only mess it up." And I'd smile and nod my head in agreement. "The only place a church exists without any conflict is in heaven." "Amen!" I'd say.

But the truth was, I still had the naive belief that if everyone would "just be after God's heart", all the pettiness, territorial disputes, selfishness, etc. would just go away. In other words, if people would only seek God intensely enough, they's stop being human.

I guess, that if I really wanted to be honest, I'd say "If you folks would seek the Lord on the matter, you'd see that I'm right and you'd give me everything that I want."

But too much honesty is overrated. Don't you think?

Because I had to deal with mere humans at church, I was often offended, frustrated or, just plain angry. And during that hour long drive home from church I would vent my frustrations. Right into the hears and hearts of my children.

It didn't take long for them to start seeing little to no value in attending church. Especially for my oldest. They were supposed to be learning how to draw near to the Prince of Peace and all they were getting was conflict. Gradually, I watched their hearts grow cold to God.

When we finally did leave that church, their guards were up. I told them, "Things will be different with this ministry. They actually listen to God." The problem with this was that I was going with us. And when we got there, it turned out that these folks were all human, also. The result was more drama.

I started getting invitations to play in worship bands for conferences. I thought, "These people are seeing miracles everyday, surely they have it all together."

Nope.

More humans.

On it went until my kids had no interest in church, prayer, worship, or God. I was miserable. And I'd been the  main culprit.

If I had given people more grace, and lowered my expectations, we would have had a chance at better results. If I had kept my standards high and said, "This is an unhealthy situation, we have to go", we would have had a chance at better results. If I would have been more honest about my own motivations, we would have had a chance at better results. If I would have left my children out of it, we would have had a chance at better results.

But, I didn't do any of those things and now I have to deal with the circumstances I have. My oldest isn't walking with the Lord, right now. (He is still living a very moral lifestyle.) My daughter recently had a dramatic experience with the Lord and has made tremendous strides. It is very gratifying to watch her begin to build her own relationship with Him. My youngest really isn't in a place, yet, to be responsible for his own relationship with God, but it is right around the corner.

As Jacob's sons grew into adulthood they turned out to be philanderers, murderers, jealous, petty, defrauders of their own family members, frequenters of prostitutes. Finally, they sold their brother into slavery and then compounded their sin by telling their father a lie that broke his heart and broke him as a man.

And before his death every one of them repented.

All of my kids are good kids. None of them are anything like these men.

God has planted eternity in men's hearts.

And we still have time.

That's my view from here.