And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19
NLT
Most of the parenting books and, probably all of the Christian parenting books, stress the importance of each of the kids getting one on one time with dad every week. It has been my experience that this is very difficult for most married couples. And, unless you are the single parent of a single child, it is next to impossible for the single parent.
Even in the healthiest homes the kids still compete to get their perceived needs met. It's just the way our fallen world works. As a single parent, I noticed early on that the kids were competing for my attention and affection. The attention part I understood - I could never get enough as a kid. I also thought I was pretty good at giving plenty of attention to each.
The affection needs were baffling. I got very little affection as a child. One very good thing that resulted from this is that, when my oldest child was less than two years old, I determined in my heart that Barney the Dinosaur was not going to tell my kids, "I love you" more than I was. I also gave lots of hugs and kisses. And there is almost always time to snuggle.
For a long time I didn't understand how there was an affection deficit. What were my kids competing for? They got it just about anytime they wanted it and usually didn't have to ask. Eventually, I started observing mother's as they interacted with their children. I had also heard things from people like, "My mother had a look that she would give me that made everything OK in the world." As I watched the mothers and heard people's testimonies about their mother's I had to admit that all of it was foreign to me. I don't remember any of these experiences with my mother.
That's when I got hit with a psychological one-two combination. I realized two things at the same time.
1. I had none of these maternal bonding experiences and so I had no clue as to how to create them.
2. I am not a mother.
That's what my kids were missing. They needed mothering.
And I had no way to provide them with it.
They needed the touch, the words, the looks, the emotional strengths, the smells and tastes a mother provides. I knew I had no hope of giving them any of these things. My family was sick and I couldn't provide the cure.
After much prayer and searching of the scriptures, the only verse I could come up with was Philippians 4:19. The truth is, it didn't give me much hope. I pretty much just determined I'd do my best and hope it would all work out.
Single moms have a wonderful promise: "He is a father to the fatherless." Single dads have no corresponding "mother" verse.
I had to face the fact that there are things in this life that I can not give my children. Mothering is one of them. We were not in the optimal circumstances but, our lives were what they were and we had to make the best of it.
There were a few things we could do. They could call mom anytime they wanted. Even if they were tattling on me for "disciplining them unfairly".
Once in a blue moon one of the women from church would take my daughter out as one of the ladies. This only happened about once a year and the result was to awaken a need that I would get badgered about for several months. But, none of these women were willing to be consistent with my daughter. All in all it was a net loss. But, they really were trying to help.
The bottom line is the only replacement for a mom is a mom.
We are eight and a half years into the single parent life. I try to step back and look objectively at my children. At nineteen, fifteen and eleven, they seem to be in fairly good shape. If you would have asked me nine years ago if I believed that we would be as healthy as we are now (had I been honest), I would have said, "no".
So how did we get here?
The same God that took care of Paul has supplied our needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
That's my view from here.
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