Frogiveness

Forgiveness is a tricky business. It is illusive, complicated. We are commanded to forgive by Jesus Himself. In the same breath He gives us a dire warning if we don't forgive (Mark 11:22-26). Living a lifestyle of daily forgiveness was made part of the prayer that Jesus taught His disciples to pray (Matthew 6:9-13). After including forgiveness in the Lord's prayer, Jesus follows it with the same warning about unforgiveness.

In the wrong hands, it can become scary stuff.

There are so many good teachings about forgiveness out there. Most of them are written by people much more qualified than I am, both in their ability to teach and, more importantly, in their ability to walk it out. I don't think its appropriate for me to try to teach about it here.

In my work with divorcing or divorced dads, I've seen forgiveness used as a club. The man's wife is divorcing him. Often, she has been cheating on him. She is taking his children away from him. At times, she is accusing him publicly of all kinds of heinous things he hasn't done. There is a weekly, sometimes daily, re-tearing of wounds. And then people around him tell him he is walking in unforgiveness. If it weren't so cruel, I might be able to laugh at the stupidity.

Before I go on, I'd like to acknowledge that I know many divorcing or divorced moms go through these painful experiences, as well. I just don't work with them. They need another woman to walk through this with them. I also know that there are plenty of men who are the ones doing the damage. First, those guys don't reach out to me for help. Second, I wouldn't work with them if they did - unless they are willing to repent and make things right with their wife, children and the public record they've distorted.

Let's get back to the business at hand...

It is exceptionally difficult to forgive an enemy while you are engaged in trench warfare with them.

It needs to be done but, it is simply not going to happen overnight. I was once told that it takes at least three years to recover from a divorce. I think this is, most likely, true. I believe part of the reason it takes so long to recover is the forgiveness process.

We are emotional beings. Our memories have emotions attached to them. Often, the emotions are what we remember most. Our memories of the divorce process are fraught with incredibly intense emotions. It takes time and a lot of hard work to get through these to forgiveness.

Sometimes we have to get healed up some before we can go through the forgiveness process in earnest. But, for some reason, we have to get to the place of forgiveness before healing really begins. So, we might as well work on it as much as we can, as soon as we can. If not for ourselves then for our kids. We want them to be as healthy as possible, right?

I haven't found anyone, yet, who has a sliver bullet for forgiveness. "Just pray this prayer and your done!" If you have it, I'd like to hear it. I'll be skeptical but, I'll listen.

When I was thirty-one, I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. The two on the bottom were impacted. The oral surgeon had to break them. Then he had to chip away at my jaw bone to get them out. They both became dry sockets. More Dr. visits. More recovery time. About a month after the surgery I started experiencing pain on the right side of my mouth. Eventually, something hard and sharp poked through the gum. After a few more weeks I was able to reach back there and pull it out.

When I spoke with the surgeon, he said, "That sounds like it was just a root I missed. Your body just naturally pushed it out."

In my life the forgiveness process has been similar. After working through to forgiveness and "recovering", every once in a while, my soul will push a painful root to the surface and I'll have to deal with it. But, I'd rather get it out than continue to deal with the nagging pain.

The fact that forgiveness is required by the Lord doesn't make it any easier. It is a process that can be very painful. Anyone who tells you differently is lying to you.

But, as with everything else the Lord requires, it is what is best for us.

And it is worth it.

That's my view from here.