Honor Pt. II

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise) 'That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.'"

                                                                                     Ephesians 6:1-3
                                                                                          ESV

During the early stages of the separation and divorce process our emotions are raw. This creates a very real temptation to speak badly about our former spouse, either in front of or directly to our children. We simply can't give in to that temptation for several reasons.

First, our children have been commanded by God to honor their father and mother. There are no qualifiers in the commandment. It is a simple, straight forward command. If my kids hear me bad mouthing their mother, it makes it very difficult for them to obey this command. How do you honor someone you've been taught is a terrible person and you don't respect?

I'm pretty sure I remember reading where Jesus said something about causing children to stumble and a mill stone being hung around the offender's neck...

Now, the kids go to mom's house and mom knows something is wrong. They tell mom all of the terrible things I've said about her. She decides to return the favor (you really do reap what you've sown). Now the kids come back to my place angry and disrespecting me. It is just more raw sewage we have to wade through on our way to becoming healthy.

We are living through a very painful situation that I've just made more difficult for everyone.

But there is much more damage we haven't discussed, yet.

It isn't just our lives that are being obliterated during divorce. Everything our children have ever known is either broken or being threatened. This world is now one big insecurity. And they have a sneaking suspicion that it's their fault.

Now, Dad starts telling them what an awful person Mom is. Mom starts telling them what an awful person Dad is. It doesn't take long for the kids to realize, "Mom is a bad person. Dad is a bad person. They made me. I must be a bad person."

That sounds absurd to adults because we know that we decide what kind of person we are going to be. But kids are not adults.

There are a couple of more consequences for talking down about your former spouse. The kids still love their mom (or dad) - for good reasons. They quickly get tired of hearing me say bad things about her and they get resentful. It breeds rebellion.

Finally, it doesn't take long for the kids to get sick and tired of being used as a weapon. More resentment. More rebellion. Sounds like a wonderful home life, yes?

During this time the kids desperately need to feel loved. None of these scenarios result in them experiencing feeling loved.

While my ex and I have been guilty of this a few times each, I am thankful that we were both mature enough to fix it.

For my part, I had to go back to the kids (and my ex) and say, "I should not have said that about your mom. I can't undo it. Will you please forgive me?"

"Yes"

"Thank you. It won't happen again."

My kids don't expect me to be perfect. They definitely know better by now! They do expect me to do what's right and act like an adult.

That's my view from here.