Loneliness Part II

There is a second kind of loneliness a single parent experiences. There is a loneliness in decision making that is difficult to describe.

I've stated before that, for much of my childhood, I was left to "raise" myself. My father left when I was eighteen months old and I never saw him again. One of the consequences of this is that my mother had to work all the time just to pay the bills. I never had a single substantive conversation about life with anyone.

I was clueless.

By twenty-three I still had no clue and I was married with this little baby-person needing me to guide him through a world that I did not comprehend. Over the next eight years we added two more.

Then I had to do it myself.

It's not the major life decisions that are the problem. Just following the teachings of the Bible take care of most of those. For the others, there is usually time to pray and get direction. It's the day to day things that are more difficult. Questions like, "What is the proper discipline for this particular offense?", are a consistent companion.

When I was married, my wife would often balance me out. She could tell me if I was setting the bar too high or the discipline was too harsh.

It wasn't until after the divorce that I had to worry about the discipline I meted out being too lenient.

We can do all of the obvious things. We set rules and consequences so that everyone knows what is expected of them and what to expect when they choose to cross boundaries. But, kids are so creative. They are always finding new ways to endanger themselves and others. They are like research and development scientists in the field of reckless enjoyment!

Often, when I am confronted with something new, I will give the child a chore or send them to their room, so I  have time to think things through. At times, I will stop to ask myself if I am angry because I am taking it personally. If I am, I need to remove my emotions from the equation. I may even have to wait until the next day before I decide on an appropriate consequence.

Something else that adds to the problem is the unusual bond that can form between a single parent and the children. There can be a temptation to enlist the kids more as emotional partners in addition to being children. It is difficult to lead effectively if we are concerned with how the kids "feel" about us.

In my life as a single parent, some of the loneliest times have been when I had to discipline a child who then got very angry with me - and I wasn't exactly sure I was in the right. If I changed the discipline after the child had expressed their anger I risked appearing weak and giving the child the ability to manipulate me. If I truly was wrong and didn't fix it, I risked damaging the relationship.

I have also found that there are a few people in my life with whom I can talk these things through. I am very grateful to have them in my life. If I received confirmation from these folks, I held firm. If they told me I was off base and why, I made amends.

We are never going to do this perfectly. And God knows it. He gives us grace for it. We don't expect the kids to be perfect either. And we give them an abundance of grace.

The question is: Will we give that same grace to ourselves in the lonely times?

That's my view from here.