I've said before that I was raised by a single mother. Money was always in short supply. I had a pretty good idea about what needs really were and that the rest were wants.
My first album was Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell". I found it laying on the ground on my way home from school one day. It was an eight track tape. I wore that thing out. (I've noticed, while recording my current CD, that it still influences me today) My second record was The Sugarhill Gang's first record. I bought that in the sixth grade. I didn't own any other music until I was in high school and had a paper route. I had to make due with the local radio stations and MTV - when I was at a friend's house. We didn't have cable.
I am always amazed to find what my kids "need". My eleven year old has a laptop. I was told he "needed" it for school. My daughter has more clothes than will fit in her walk in closet and six dresser drawers. She tells me often that she needs more clothes because she has nothing to wear!
I have several friends who are or were missionaries. They tell me that if I have more than one set of clothing I am richer than fifty percent of the world. My kids don't want to hear it. My eleven year old thinks I am depriving him because he doesn't have a cell phone.
Currently, our culture programs us to believe we need all kinds of things that did not exist fifty years ago. One strategy I often use is to ask my kids, "How did the human race ever survive without going to the movies. If going to the movies is a need, shouldn't we have died out long ago?" My kids don't think I'm funny.
I've explained to them over and over that our needs are air, food, water, shelter and clothes. Everything else is just a want. Like every other kid in America they don't buy it.
So, I just deal with each issue as it comes up. And I've also learned that it is perfectly healthy and OK to tell them, "I know you really want this and you even feel entitled to it but, it is not in the budget."
"So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern."
Matthew 6:31-33
NLT
I've had my children memorize this verse. It seems to be the one they forget the quickest! I've had them come with me on lots of "street ministry" when we minister to the homeless. I've told them stories of how poor I was as a kid. Sometimes I get discouraged because I think it is not working. They aren't getting it. But, then I remember that I want them to have a better life than I have. I want them to take advantage of living in the land of opportunity. I want them to want a better life for themselves and their children.
Does an abundance of money and things give you a better life? No. But, if used correctly, money and things can make your life far easier.
So living in a material world while trying to live a spiritual life is a paradox that my children and I both need to be guided through. I think prayerfully and thoughtfully applying the scriptures to our lives is an excellent way to do this.
I've been told that a ship sailing for a distant port is almost never directly on course. It needs to be adjusted constantly by the pilot. I believe our lives are basically the same.
That's my view from here.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Needs Pt. 1
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19
NLT
Most of the parenting books and, probably all of the Christian parenting books, stress the importance of each of the kids getting one on one time with dad every week. It has been my experience that this is very difficult for most married couples. And, unless you are the single parent of a single child, it is next to impossible for the single parent.
Even in the healthiest homes the kids still compete to get their perceived needs met. It's just the way our fallen world works. As a single parent, I noticed early on that the kids were competing for my attention and affection. The attention part I understood - I could never get enough as a kid. I also thought I was pretty good at giving plenty of attention to each.
The affection needs were baffling. I got very little affection as a child. One very good thing that resulted from this is that, when my oldest child was less than two years old, I determined in my heart that Barney the Dinosaur was not going to tell my kids, "I love you" more than I was. I also gave lots of hugs and kisses. And there is almost always time to snuggle.
For a long time I didn't understand how there was an affection deficit. What were my kids competing for? They got it just about anytime they wanted it and usually didn't have to ask. Eventually, I started observing mother's as they interacted with their children. I had also heard things from people like, "My mother had a look that she would give me that made everything OK in the world." As I watched the mothers and heard people's testimonies about their mother's I had to admit that all of it was foreign to me. I don't remember any of these experiences with my mother.
That's when I got hit with a psychological one-two combination. I realized two things at the same time.
1. I had none of these maternal bonding experiences and so I had no clue as to how to create them.
2. I am not a mother.
That's what my kids were missing. They needed mothering.
And I had no way to provide them with it.
They needed the touch, the words, the looks, the emotional strengths, the smells and tastes a mother provides. I knew I had no hope of giving them any of these things. My family was sick and I couldn't provide the cure.
After much prayer and searching of the scriptures, the only verse I could come up with was Philippians 4:19. The truth is, it didn't give me much hope. I pretty much just determined I'd do my best and hope it would all work out.
Single moms have a wonderful promise: "He is a father to the fatherless." Single dads have no corresponding "mother" verse.
I had to face the fact that there are things in this life that I can not give my children. Mothering is one of them. We were not in the optimal circumstances but, our lives were what they were and we had to make the best of it.
There were a few things we could do. They could call mom anytime they wanted. Even if they were tattling on me for "disciplining them unfairly".
Once in a blue moon one of the women from church would take my daughter out as one of the ladies. This only happened about once a year and the result was to awaken a need that I would get badgered about for several months. But, none of these women were willing to be consistent with my daughter. All in all it was a net loss. But, they really were trying to help.
The bottom line is the only replacement for a mom is a mom.
We are eight and a half years into the single parent life. I try to step back and look objectively at my children. At nineteen, fifteen and eleven, they seem to be in fairly good shape. If you would have asked me nine years ago if I believed that we would be as healthy as we are now (had I been honest), I would have said, "no".
So how did we get here?
The same God that took care of Paul has supplied our needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
That's my view from here.
Philippians 4:19
NLT
Most of the parenting books and, probably all of the Christian parenting books, stress the importance of each of the kids getting one on one time with dad every week. It has been my experience that this is very difficult for most married couples. And, unless you are the single parent of a single child, it is next to impossible for the single parent.
Even in the healthiest homes the kids still compete to get their perceived needs met. It's just the way our fallen world works. As a single parent, I noticed early on that the kids were competing for my attention and affection. The attention part I understood - I could never get enough as a kid. I also thought I was pretty good at giving plenty of attention to each.
The affection needs were baffling. I got very little affection as a child. One very good thing that resulted from this is that, when my oldest child was less than two years old, I determined in my heart that Barney the Dinosaur was not going to tell my kids, "I love you" more than I was. I also gave lots of hugs and kisses. And there is almost always time to snuggle.
For a long time I didn't understand how there was an affection deficit. What were my kids competing for? They got it just about anytime they wanted it and usually didn't have to ask. Eventually, I started observing mother's as they interacted with their children. I had also heard things from people like, "My mother had a look that she would give me that made everything OK in the world." As I watched the mothers and heard people's testimonies about their mother's I had to admit that all of it was foreign to me. I don't remember any of these experiences with my mother.
That's when I got hit with a psychological one-two combination. I realized two things at the same time.
1. I had none of these maternal bonding experiences and so I had no clue as to how to create them.
2. I am not a mother.
That's what my kids were missing. They needed mothering.
And I had no way to provide them with it.
They needed the touch, the words, the looks, the emotional strengths, the smells and tastes a mother provides. I knew I had no hope of giving them any of these things. My family was sick and I couldn't provide the cure.
After much prayer and searching of the scriptures, the only verse I could come up with was Philippians 4:19. The truth is, it didn't give me much hope. I pretty much just determined I'd do my best and hope it would all work out.
Single moms have a wonderful promise: "He is a father to the fatherless." Single dads have no corresponding "mother" verse.
I had to face the fact that there are things in this life that I can not give my children. Mothering is one of them. We were not in the optimal circumstances but, our lives were what they were and we had to make the best of it.
There were a few things we could do. They could call mom anytime they wanted. Even if they were tattling on me for "disciplining them unfairly".
Once in a blue moon one of the women from church would take my daughter out as one of the ladies. This only happened about once a year and the result was to awaken a need that I would get badgered about for several months. But, none of these women were willing to be consistent with my daughter. All in all it was a net loss. But, they really were trying to help.
The bottom line is the only replacement for a mom is a mom.
We are eight and a half years into the single parent life. I try to step back and look objectively at my children. At nineteen, fifteen and eleven, they seem to be in fairly good shape. If you would have asked me nine years ago if I believed that we would be as healthy as we are now (had I been honest), I would have said, "no".
So how did we get here?
The same God that took care of Paul has supplied our needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
That's my view from here.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Honor Pt. II
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise) 'That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.'"
Ephesians 6:1-3
ESV
During the early stages of the separation and divorce process our emotions are raw. This creates a very real temptation to speak badly about our former spouse, either in front of or directly to our children. We simply can't give in to that temptation for several reasons.
First, our children have been commanded by God to honor their father and mother. There are no qualifiers in the commandment. It is a simple, straight forward command. If my kids hear me bad mouthing their mother, it makes it very difficult for them to obey this command. How do you honor someone you've been taught is a terrible person and you don't respect?
I'm pretty sure I remember reading where Jesus said something about causing children to stumble and a mill stone being hung around the offender's neck...
Now, the kids go to mom's house and mom knows something is wrong. They tell mom all of the terrible things I've said about her. She decides to return the favor (you really do reap what you've sown). Now the kids come back to my place angry and disrespecting me. It is just more raw sewage we have to wade through on our way to becoming healthy.
We are living through a very painful situation that I've just made more difficult for everyone.
But there is much more damage we haven't discussed, yet.
It isn't just our lives that are being obliterated during divorce. Everything our children have ever known is either broken or being threatened. This world is now one big insecurity. And they have a sneaking suspicion that it's their fault.
Now, Dad starts telling them what an awful person Mom is. Mom starts telling them what an awful person Dad is. It doesn't take long for the kids to realize, "Mom is a bad person. Dad is a bad person. They made me. I must be a bad person."
That sounds absurd to adults because we know that we decide what kind of person we are going to be. But kids are not adults.
There are a couple of more consequences for talking down about your former spouse. The kids still love their mom (or dad) - for good reasons. They quickly get tired of hearing me say bad things about her and they get resentful. It breeds rebellion.
Finally, it doesn't take long for the kids to get sick and tired of being used as a weapon. More resentment. More rebellion. Sounds like a wonderful home life, yes?
During this time the kids desperately need to feel loved. None of these scenarios result in them experiencing feeling loved.
While my ex and I have been guilty of this a few times each, I am thankful that we were both mature enough to fix it.
For my part, I had to go back to the kids (and my ex) and say, "I should not have said that about your mom. I can't undo it. Will you please forgive me?"
"Yes"
"Thank you. It won't happen again."
My kids don't expect me to be perfect. They definitely know better by now! They do expect me to do what's right and act like an adult.
That's my view from here.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Honor Pt. I
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise) 'That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.'"
Ephesians 6:1-3
I don't like to harp on my kids about this verse but, I have joked with them a number of times. "Do you see the veiled threat? If you don't listen to me it may not go so well for you and you might not live that long!"
In a healthy family, mom is teaching the kids to respect dad and each other. Dad is teaching the kids to respect mom and each other. Sometimes one or more of the kids will cross the line and there will be consequences. Then everyday living pretty much goes back to normal.
In a single parent home there is a vital cog missing in the wheel. The machine is broken. It wasn't designed to work this way. Adjustments have to be made.
I just couldn't see myself telling my kids, "I'm your father. You have to honor me by doing what I say. God commands it, right here. See?" So, I chose to pray this verse over my kids a lot. I also explained to them over and over and over and... (you get the idea) that there are three of them and only one of me. We don't have time for me to explain and argue over things I ask them to do. None of us will get anything done. Or anything we want. They just have to do it. "If something is really bothering you, come talk to me when we aren't pressed for time and we'll discuss it. We may even negotiate. But don't try to stand there and argue with me when I ask you to sweep the floor, or do the dishes, or do your homework before you go out to play. If you do that, then, no matter how good your argument is, you won't get the outcome you desire."
I often shorten this to: "Do what dad tells you to do the first time every time."
I've tried to explain to them, with varying success with each child, that I am not trying to be a dictatorial tyrant - although it is tempting! We simply need to get things done.
When we have disagreements, I will explain my position and they can tell me theirs. On occasion, I have been persuaded to change mine. They have often been persuaded to change theirs. Sometimes, we negotiate a third option.
Because they are human and kids, sometimes they completely reject all rational and reasonable arguments because they just want their way. And I have to call them on it. These times are not fun. Just necessary. I've had them call me on this, as well. At these times I've had to decide, do I want my way or do I want to teach these kids how to be decent human beings? Most of the time I've chosen the latter.
All in all we've had a fairly peaceful life together.
God designed the family to function at its best with two parents in the home who are united in their methods for achieving the common goal of healthy children becoming quality adults. When one of these adults is missing, reaching that goal becomes more difficult but, not impossible.
I have done everything I know to do to get my kids to the goal. And it seems like very day I am confronted with my own ignorance and inadequacies as a parent. And I am consistently amazed at the ability of God's grace to make up the difference.
That's my view from here.
Ephesians 6:1-3
I don't like to harp on my kids about this verse but, I have joked with them a number of times. "Do you see the veiled threat? If you don't listen to me it may not go so well for you and you might not live that long!"
In a healthy family, mom is teaching the kids to respect dad and each other. Dad is teaching the kids to respect mom and each other. Sometimes one or more of the kids will cross the line and there will be consequences. Then everyday living pretty much goes back to normal.
In a single parent home there is a vital cog missing in the wheel. The machine is broken. It wasn't designed to work this way. Adjustments have to be made.
I just couldn't see myself telling my kids, "I'm your father. You have to honor me by doing what I say. God commands it, right here. See?" So, I chose to pray this verse over my kids a lot. I also explained to them over and over and over and... (you get the idea) that there are three of them and only one of me. We don't have time for me to explain and argue over things I ask them to do. None of us will get anything done. Or anything we want. They just have to do it. "If something is really bothering you, come talk to me when we aren't pressed for time and we'll discuss it. We may even negotiate. But don't try to stand there and argue with me when I ask you to sweep the floor, or do the dishes, or do your homework before you go out to play. If you do that, then, no matter how good your argument is, you won't get the outcome you desire."
I often shorten this to: "Do what dad tells you to do the first time every time."
I've tried to explain to them, with varying success with each child, that I am not trying to be a dictatorial tyrant - although it is tempting! We simply need to get things done.
When we have disagreements, I will explain my position and they can tell me theirs. On occasion, I have been persuaded to change mine. They have often been persuaded to change theirs. Sometimes, we negotiate a third option.
Because they are human and kids, sometimes they completely reject all rational and reasonable arguments because they just want their way. And I have to call them on it. These times are not fun. Just necessary. I've had them call me on this, as well. At these times I've had to decide, do I want my way or do I want to teach these kids how to be decent human beings? Most of the time I've chosen the latter.
All in all we've had a fairly peaceful life together.
God designed the family to function at its best with two parents in the home who are united in their methods for achieving the common goal of healthy children becoming quality adults. When one of these adults is missing, reaching that goal becomes more difficult but, not impossible.
I have done everything I know to do to get my kids to the goal. And it seems like very day I am confronted with my own ignorance and inadequacies as a parent. And I am consistently amazed at the ability of God's grace to make up the difference.
That's my view from here.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Exhaustion
For many Americans exhaustion seems to be the lifestyle of choice. For the single parent there isn't much of a choice. Things need to be done on there is only one person in the home who can do them. It doesn't matter how tired the single parent is; the kids still need baths, homework still needs to be checked, and there are still no clothes for school or work tomorrow.
Seems like it happens every month.
When I first started this thing, I would make a schedule and start following it. Then homework would take longer than I thought, one (or more, arghhh!) of the kids would be having a bad day and they seemed to moving in reverse. The more I'd try to rush them the slower they'd go. Things wouldn't get done. "That's OK," I say, "I'll get it tomorrow."
The next day I'd find out there was something I'd forgotten to put on the schedule. Everything would be thrown out of whack. "I'll get up an hour earlier tomorrow and get some chores done while I'm praying, before the kids wake up." Was usually my solution.
By the end of the week undone projects were everywhere. I'd feel guilty because there was so much left undone. I was red-eyed and exhausted. On Saturday I couldn't sleep in because the kids would wake up at the normal time for breakfast and school. Sunday was church. No sleeping in. Then it was time to prepare for the week.
I've already discussed how I had to cut out most of my extra-curricular activities and bring each of the kids down to one.
This was a huge help.
I had to learn that the kids could be healthy without being involved in every league, troop, and function out there.
I also had to learn that God could save the world without me. The latter was much harder for me to take.
These two things took us a long way down the road to sanity.
After that I had to get creative. I decided that, no matter how much it bothered me, big, time consuming projects would have to wait until the weekend. Some had to wait for weekends the kids would be at their mother's. No exceptions.
Here are some of the smaller tricks I've used.
I would do two loads of laundry every night. I could start one right before I started making dinner. I'd have that load in the dryer and another in the washer before dinner was over.
I learned that I could start the dishwasher (thank God for dishwashers!) at bedtime and they'd be dry when I woke up in the morning and I could put them away before the kids were ready for breakfast. And if I didn't put them away there wasn't a mess sitting there in front of my face.
I started having the kids do their homework either right after school or right after a small snack. That way I could check it before dinner.
But the best lesson I learned on how to deal with exhaustion is to admit that I was worn out. I would tell the kids, "Guys, Dad is really tired. I need some rest. After dinner I need you to just relax and do something quietly in you rooms. You can read. You can draw or color. You can do a puzzle. What is important is that you leave each other alone (cuts down on the fighting and volume) and let Dad rest."
I was pleasantly surprised that, most of the time, they would respect this.
I would get a couple of extra hours of down time and I could find the strength to make it to their mother's weekend.
As a single parent, the frailness of my humanity is exposed in very uncomfortable ways. No matter how strong I try to be, I am simply not able to do the jobs a two parent household requires.
For me, admitting I couldn't do it all was vital to the children and I healing and learning to live a healthy lifestyle. As always, God's grace is greater than my own weaknesses.
That's my view from here.
Seems like it happens every month.
When I first started this thing, I would make a schedule and start following it. Then homework would take longer than I thought, one (or more, arghhh!) of the kids would be having a bad day and they seemed to moving in reverse. The more I'd try to rush them the slower they'd go. Things wouldn't get done. "That's OK," I say, "I'll get it tomorrow."
The next day I'd find out there was something I'd forgotten to put on the schedule. Everything would be thrown out of whack. "I'll get up an hour earlier tomorrow and get some chores done while I'm praying, before the kids wake up." Was usually my solution.
By the end of the week undone projects were everywhere. I'd feel guilty because there was so much left undone. I was red-eyed and exhausted. On Saturday I couldn't sleep in because the kids would wake up at the normal time for breakfast and school. Sunday was church. No sleeping in. Then it was time to prepare for the week.
I've already discussed how I had to cut out most of my extra-curricular activities and bring each of the kids down to one.
This was a huge help.
I had to learn that the kids could be healthy without being involved in every league, troop, and function out there.
I also had to learn that God could save the world without me. The latter was much harder for me to take.
These two things took us a long way down the road to sanity.
After that I had to get creative. I decided that, no matter how much it bothered me, big, time consuming projects would have to wait until the weekend. Some had to wait for weekends the kids would be at their mother's. No exceptions.
Here are some of the smaller tricks I've used.
I would do two loads of laundry every night. I could start one right before I started making dinner. I'd have that load in the dryer and another in the washer before dinner was over.
I learned that I could start the dishwasher (thank God for dishwashers!) at bedtime and they'd be dry when I woke up in the morning and I could put them away before the kids were ready for breakfast. And if I didn't put them away there wasn't a mess sitting there in front of my face.
I started having the kids do their homework either right after school or right after a small snack. That way I could check it before dinner.
But the best lesson I learned on how to deal with exhaustion is to admit that I was worn out. I would tell the kids, "Guys, Dad is really tired. I need some rest. After dinner I need you to just relax and do something quietly in you rooms. You can read. You can draw or color. You can do a puzzle. What is important is that you leave each other alone (cuts down on the fighting and volume) and let Dad rest."
I was pleasantly surprised that, most of the time, they would respect this.
I would get a couple of extra hours of down time and I could find the strength to make it to their mother's weekend.
As a single parent, the frailness of my humanity is exposed in very uncomfortable ways. No matter how strong I try to be, I am simply not able to do the jobs a two parent household requires.
For me, admitting I couldn't do it all was vital to the children and I healing and learning to live a healthy lifestyle. As always, God's grace is greater than my own weaknesses.
That's my view from here.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Frogiveness
Forgiveness is a tricky business. It is illusive, complicated. We are commanded to forgive by Jesus Himself. In the same breath He gives us a dire warning if we don't forgive (Mark 11:22-26). Living a lifestyle of daily forgiveness was made part of the prayer that Jesus taught His disciples to pray (Matthew 6:9-13). After including forgiveness in the Lord's prayer, Jesus follows it with the same warning about unforgiveness.
In the wrong hands, it can become scary stuff.
There are so many good teachings about forgiveness out there. Most of them are written by people much more qualified than I am, both in their ability to teach and, more importantly, in their ability to walk it out. I don't think its appropriate for me to try to teach about it here.
In my work with divorcing or divorced dads, I've seen forgiveness used as a club. The man's wife is divorcing him. Often, she has been cheating on him. She is taking his children away from him. At times, she is accusing him publicly of all kinds of heinous things he hasn't done. There is a weekly, sometimes daily, re-tearing of wounds. And then people around him tell him he is walking in unforgiveness. If it weren't so cruel, I might be able to laugh at the stupidity.
Before I go on, I'd like to acknowledge that I know many divorcing or divorced moms go through these painful experiences, as well. I just don't work with them. They need another woman to walk through this with them. I also know that there are plenty of men who are the ones doing the damage. First, those guys don't reach out to me for help. Second, I wouldn't work with them if they did - unless they are willing to repent and make things right with their wife, children and the public record they've distorted.
Let's get back to the business at hand...
It is exceptionally difficult to forgive an enemy while you are engaged in trench warfare with them.
It needs to be done but, it is simply not going to happen overnight. I was once told that it takes at least three years to recover from a divorce. I think this is, most likely, true. I believe part of the reason it takes so long to recover is the forgiveness process.
We are emotional beings. Our memories have emotions attached to them. Often, the emotions are what we remember most. Our memories of the divorce process are fraught with incredibly intense emotions. It takes time and a lot of hard work to get through these to forgiveness.
Sometimes we have to get healed up some before we can go through the forgiveness process in earnest. But, for some reason, we have to get to the place of forgiveness before healing really begins. So, we might as well work on it as much as we can, as soon as we can. If not for ourselves then for our kids. We want them to be as healthy as possible, right?
I haven't found anyone, yet, who has a sliver bullet for forgiveness. "Just pray this prayer and your done!" If you have it, I'd like to hear it. I'll be skeptical but, I'll listen.
When I was thirty-one, I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. The two on the bottom were impacted. The oral surgeon had to break them. Then he had to chip away at my jaw bone to get them out. They both became dry sockets. More Dr. visits. More recovery time. About a month after the surgery I started experiencing pain on the right side of my mouth. Eventually, something hard and sharp poked through the gum. After a few more weeks I was able to reach back there and pull it out.
When I spoke with the surgeon, he said, "That sounds like it was just a root I missed. Your body just naturally pushed it out."
In my life the forgiveness process has been similar. After working through to forgiveness and "recovering", every once in a while, my soul will push a painful root to the surface and I'll have to deal with it. But, I'd rather get it out than continue to deal with the nagging pain.
The fact that forgiveness is required by the Lord doesn't make it any easier. It is a process that can be very painful. Anyone who tells you differently is lying to you.
But, as with everything else the Lord requires, it is what is best for us.
And it is worth it.
That's my view from here.
In the wrong hands, it can become scary stuff.
There are so many good teachings about forgiveness out there. Most of them are written by people much more qualified than I am, both in their ability to teach and, more importantly, in their ability to walk it out. I don't think its appropriate for me to try to teach about it here.
In my work with divorcing or divorced dads, I've seen forgiveness used as a club. The man's wife is divorcing him. Often, she has been cheating on him. She is taking his children away from him. At times, she is accusing him publicly of all kinds of heinous things he hasn't done. There is a weekly, sometimes daily, re-tearing of wounds. And then people around him tell him he is walking in unforgiveness. If it weren't so cruel, I might be able to laugh at the stupidity.
Before I go on, I'd like to acknowledge that I know many divorcing or divorced moms go through these painful experiences, as well. I just don't work with them. They need another woman to walk through this with them. I also know that there are plenty of men who are the ones doing the damage. First, those guys don't reach out to me for help. Second, I wouldn't work with them if they did - unless they are willing to repent and make things right with their wife, children and the public record they've distorted.
Let's get back to the business at hand...
It is exceptionally difficult to forgive an enemy while you are engaged in trench warfare with them.
It needs to be done but, it is simply not going to happen overnight. I was once told that it takes at least three years to recover from a divorce. I think this is, most likely, true. I believe part of the reason it takes so long to recover is the forgiveness process.
We are emotional beings. Our memories have emotions attached to them. Often, the emotions are what we remember most. Our memories of the divorce process are fraught with incredibly intense emotions. It takes time and a lot of hard work to get through these to forgiveness.
Sometimes we have to get healed up some before we can go through the forgiveness process in earnest. But, for some reason, we have to get to the place of forgiveness before healing really begins. So, we might as well work on it as much as we can, as soon as we can. If not for ourselves then for our kids. We want them to be as healthy as possible, right?
I haven't found anyone, yet, who has a sliver bullet for forgiveness. "Just pray this prayer and your done!" If you have it, I'd like to hear it. I'll be skeptical but, I'll listen.
When I was thirty-one, I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. The two on the bottom were impacted. The oral surgeon had to break them. Then he had to chip away at my jaw bone to get them out. They both became dry sockets. More Dr. visits. More recovery time. About a month after the surgery I started experiencing pain on the right side of my mouth. Eventually, something hard and sharp poked through the gum. After a few more weeks I was able to reach back there and pull it out.
When I spoke with the surgeon, he said, "That sounds like it was just a root I missed. Your body just naturally pushed it out."
In my life the forgiveness process has been similar. After working through to forgiveness and "recovering", every once in a while, my soul will push a painful root to the surface and I'll have to deal with it. But, I'd rather get it out than continue to deal with the nagging pain.
The fact that forgiveness is required by the Lord doesn't make it any easier. It is a process that can be very painful. Anyone who tells you differently is lying to you.
But, as with everything else the Lord requires, it is what is best for us.
And it is worth it.
That's my view from here.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed. It is an intimidating word. It is also a paralyzing emotion. And the truth is that single parents get the privilege of experiencing it regularly. At least at the beginning of the single parent journey. As time goes on and we practice the art of single parenting, we tend to get better at it and we are overwhelmed less and less frequently.
The good news is that we are not alone. Joseph and, eventually all of Israel, were slaves. Job's entire family and fortune were taken from him. David soaked his bed with tears because he was powerless to change his circumstances and it appeared that God had no intentions of changing them either. Jesus sweat drops of blood. All of these men of God knew what it was to be overwhelmed.
We are in good company.
For me, many of my experiences with being overwhelmed were a direct result of the illusion of control being obliterated. I am an American. To paraphrase Thoreau, I believe in the ability of men to improve their circumstances in life through effort. When a large number of things that are out of my control go cross ways to my will, I am reminded of how little control I really have in my life.
If not for God's grace I can't even breathe.
I have found a few "tricks" that I can use to help me get through these times.
1. Surrender I acknowledge my powerlessness. I might pray something like, "God, I don't know but, You do. I choose to trust You." You can get more spiritual, if you like, and pray, "Not my will but, Yours be done."
2. Pray I may just pray in tongues for a while. I may pray prayers from the Bible or other pre-written prayers. I may tell the Lord what I want the circumstances to be. It's alright to just cry.
3. Remember I remind myself of all the times God has taken care of me before. I like to find someone who hasn't heard my testimony and tell them.
4. Plan Praying is vital but, if all you do is pray, than they still come and repossess the car. So, I try to focus on what I can control. I don't have enough money to pay all of my bills? OK, I have some money. What are my priorities? Food, gas in the car, utilities, house payment, car payment, etc.
5.Take Action I've found that even the smallest accomplishments go a long way toward getting me out from under the weight of being overwhelmed. The entire house is a mess? Why don't I start with the dishes? How about this one bookshelf? One load of laundry?
Before I know it, I have a load of laundry in the washer, one in the dryer, and I'm washing the dishes. I'm multitasking, making progress and the world is feeling a little safer.
We all get overwhelmed from time to time. At the beginning of the single parent experience we tend to get there more often. As we continue to learn how to do this, our skills improve and we become overwhelmed less and less. Rebuilding our lives is a process just like everything else. And the process never goes as quickly as we'd like. That's just life in our fallen world.
That's my view from here.
The good news is that we are not alone. Joseph and, eventually all of Israel, were slaves. Job's entire family and fortune were taken from him. David soaked his bed with tears because he was powerless to change his circumstances and it appeared that God had no intentions of changing them either. Jesus sweat drops of blood. All of these men of God knew what it was to be overwhelmed.
We are in good company.
For me, many of my experiences with being overwhelmed were a direct result of the illusion of control being obliterated. I am an American. To paraphrase Thoreau, I believe in the ability of men to improve their circumstances in life through effort. When a large number of things that are out of my control go cross ways to my will, I am reminded of how little control I really have in my life.
If not for God's grace I can't even breathe.
I have found a few "tricks" that I can use to help me get through these times.
1. Surrender I acknowledge my powerlessness. I might pray something like, "God, I don't know but, You do. I choose to trust You." You can get more spiritual, if you like, and pray, "Not my will but, Yours be done."
2. Pray I may just pray in tongues for a while. I may pray prayers from the Bible or other pre-written prayers. I may tell the Lord what I want the circumstances to be. It's alright to just cry.
3. Remember I remind myself of all the times God has taken care of me before. I like to find someone who hasn't heard my testimony and tell them.
4. Plan Praying is vital but, if all you do is pray, than they still come and repossess the car. So, I try to focus on what I can control. I don't have enough money to pay all of my bills? OK, I have some money. What are my priorities? Food, gas in the car, utilities, house payment, car payment, etc.
5.Take Action I've found that even the smallest accomplishments go a long way toward getting me out from under the weight of being overwhelmed. The entire house is a mess? Why don't I start with the dishes? How about this one bookshelf? One load of laundry?
Before I know it, I have a load of laundry in the washer, one in the dryer, and I'm washing the dishes. I'm multitasking, making progress and the world is feeling a little safer.
We all get overwhelmed from time to time. At the beginning of the single parent experience we tend to get there more often. As we continue to learn how to do this, our skills improve and we become overwhelmed less and less. Rebuilding our lives is a process just like everything else. And the process never goes as quickly as we'd like. That's just life in our fallen world.
That's my view from here.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Loneliness Part II
There is a second kind of loneliness a single parent experiences. There is a loneliness in decision making that is difficult to describe.
I've stated before that, for much of my childhood, I was left to "raise" myself. My father left when I was eighteen months old and I never saw him again. One of the consequences of this is that my mother had to work all the time just to pay the bills. I never had a single substantive conversation about life with anyone.
I was clueless.
By twenty-three I still had no clue and I was married with this little baby-person needing me to guide him through a world that I did not comprehend. Over the next eight years we added two more.
Then I had to do it myself.
It's not the major life decisions that are the problem. Just following the teachings of the Bible take care of most of those. For the others, there is usually time to pray and get direction. It's the day to day things that are more difficult. Questions like, "What is the proper discipline for this particular offense?", are a consistent companion.
When I was married, my wife would often balance me out. She could tell me if I was setting the bar too high or the discipline was too harsh.
It wasn't until after the divorce that I had to worry about the discipline I meted out being too lenient.
We can do all of the obvious things. We set rules and consequences so that everyone knows what is expected of them and what to expect when they choose to cross boundaries. But, kids are so creative. They are always finding new ways to endanger themselves and others. They are like research and development scientists in the field of reckless enjoyment!
Often, when I am confronted with something new, I will give the child a chore or send them to their room, so I have time to think things through. At times, I will stop to ask myself if I am angry because I am taking it personally. If I am, I need to remove my emotions from the equation. I may even have to wait until the next day before I decide on an appropriate consequence.
Something else that adds to the problem is the unusual bond that can form between a single parent and the children. There can be a temptation to enlist the kids more as emotional partners in addition to being children. It is difficult to lead effectively if we are concerned with how the kids "feel" about us.
In my life as a single parent, some of the loneliest times have been when I had to discipline a child who then got very angry with me - and I wasn't exactly sure I was in the right. If I changed the discipline after the child had expressed their anger I risked appearing weak and giving the child the ability to manipulate me. If I truly was wrong and didn't fix it, I risked damaging the relationship.
I have also found that there are a few people in my life with whom I can talk these things through. I am very grateful to have them in my life. If I received confirmation from these folks, I held firm. If they told me I was off base and why, I made amends.
We are never going to do this perfectly. And God knows it. He gives us grace for it. We don't expect the kids to be perfect either. And we give them an abundance of grace.
The question is: Will we give that same grace to ourselves in the lonely times?
That's my view from here.
I've stated before that, for much of my childhood, I was left to "raise" myself. My father left when I was eighteen months old and I never saw him again. One of the consequences of this is that my mother had to work all the time just to pay the bills. I never had a single substantive conversation about life with anyone.
I was clueless.
By twenty-three I still had no clue and I was married with this little baby-person needing me to guide him through a world that I did not comprehend. Over the next eight years we added two more.
Then I had to do it myself.
It's not the major life decisions that are the problem. Just following the teachings of the Bible take care of most of those. For the others, there is usually time to pray and get direction. It's the day to day things that are more difficult. Questions like, "What is the proper discipline for this particular offense?", are a consistent companion.
When I was married, my wife would often balance me out. She could tell me if I was setting the bar too high or the discipline was too harsh.
It wasn't until after the divorce that I had to worry about the discipline I meted out being too lenient.
We can do all of the obvious things. We set rules and consequences so that everyone knows what is expected of them and what to expect when they choose to cross boundaries. But, kids are so creative. They are always finding new ways to endanger themselves and others. They are like research and development scientists in the field of reckless enjoyment!
Often, when I am confronted with something new, I will give the child a chore or send them to their room, so I have time to think things through. At times, I will stop to ask myself if I am angry because I am taking it personally. If I am, I need to remove my emotions from the equation. I may even have to wait until the next day before I decide on an appropriate consequence.
Something else that adds to the problem is the unusual bond that can form between a single parent and the children. There can be a temptation to enlist the kids more as emotional partners in addition to being children. It is difficult to lead effectively if we are concerned with how the kids "feel" about us.
In my life as a single parent, some of the loneliest times have been when I had to discipline a child who then got very angry with me - and I wasn't exactly sure I was in the right. If I changed the discipline after the child had expressed their anger I risked appearing weak and giving the child the ability to manipulate me. If I truly was wrong and didn't fix it, I risked damaging the relationship.
I have also found that there are a few people in my life with whom I can talk these things through. I am very grateful to have them in my life. If I received confirmation from these folks, I held firm. If they told me I was off base and why, I made amends.
We are never going to do this perfectly. And God knows it. He gives us grace for it. We don't expect the kids to be perfect either. And we give them an abundance of grace.
The question is: Will we give that same grace to ourselves in the lonely times?
That's my view from here.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Loneliness
For the first few years of being a single parent, my life was pretty hectic. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by necessity but, life seemed to always be moving at a frenetic pace. The majority of the time I liked it that way. As long as I kept moving I didn't have to deal with the wide range of emotions the grieving process brings.
No matter how hard I tried, the on emotion I could not escape was loneliness.
I've met plenty of Christians who claim that no Christian should ever be lonely because we have the presence of the Holy Spirit. My answer hasn't changed one syllable in years. Adam had the presence of God in the complete absence of sin and God Himself said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." I believe God made us to live in relationship, both with himself and each other. Marriage is the first institution God established on earth. We are hard wired for it.
So, I believe it is normal and healthy to experience loneliness, at times.
Dean, are you saying that there are times when Jesus isn't enough?
Yup.
I found a couple of times when I am especially susceptible. Bedtime at the end of a particularly stressful day. And Saturday afternoons, going into evening, on weekends when the kids are at their mother's house.
I can still remember the first few times this last one happened to me. On Friday I dropped the kids off with their mom and rushed home. The peace and quiet of the empty house was wonderful. Mentally and emotionally, it felt like I was sinking into a huge feather bed. I luxuriated in the silence and calm. I might pray, spend some time in worship, maybe a little house cleaning. But, mostly, I would just enjoy not having to chase kids, referee, entertain, change diapers, give baths, etc.
But, right about four o'clock on Saturday afternoon, I would start to get this sensation that something was wrong. Like it was too quiet.
And there was no one to interact with.
Nothing to do.
By eight o'clock I'd be completely depressed and I'd have no idea how I got there or why.
It took a few of these episodes before I figured out what was going on. I started making plans. Dinner with friends, fellowship groups, walks in the woods, etc.
The end of a stressful day has a much shorter duration and can easily be compensated for. For the weekend scenario is a different story.
The most difficult scenario is the end of a stressful week, the kids are at their mother's house and there's no money in the budget to go do anything. That's when the walls can really start to close in. I like to have several options.
Obviously, my first option is music. Sitting down with my guitar or at the piano are very therapeutic for me. Other than God and my kids, music is the great passion of my life. Another, although lesser, passion of mine is reading. But, not just reading, reading to learn about how to live this life in a quality way. I've read biographies about Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Benjamin Franklin, Charles Finney, Smith Wigglesworth and others. I also enjoy good fiction. I've read Charles Dickens, Wendell Berry, Leo Tolstoy, Mark Twain, Elie Wiesel and many more.
I also read a lot of theology and Christian teaching. Rick Joyner, Phillip Yancey and Eugene Peterson are some of the authors I've read multiple books from.
The point is, that I try to be prepared for these times with multiple choices of possible solutions to fit the mood I'm in when they arrive.
I believe that, because I'm prepared, the lonely times are much more bearable. And I am much more sane that I would be otherwise.
That's my view from here.
No matter how hard I tried, the on emotion I could not escape was loneliness.
I've met plenty of Christians who claim that no Christian should ever be lonely because we have the presence of the Holy Spirit. My answer hasn't changed one syllable in years. Adam had the presence of God in the complete absence of sin and God Himself said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." I believe God made us to live in relationship, both with himself and each other. Marriage is the first institution God established on earth. We are hard wired for it.
So, I believe it is normal and healthy to experience loneliness, at times.
Dean, are you saying that there are times when Jesus isn't enough?
Yup.
I found a couple of times when I am especially susceptible. Bedtime at the end of a particularly stressful day. And Saturday afternoons, going into evening, on weekends when the kids are at their mother's house.
I can still remember the first few times this last one happened to me. On Friday I dropped the kids off with their mom and rushed home. The peace and quiet of the empty house was wonderful. Mentally and emotionally, it felt like I was sinking into a huge feather bed. I luxuriated in the silence and calm. I might pray, spend some time in worship, maybe a little house cleaning. But, mostly, I would just enjoy not having to chase kids, referee, entertain, change diapers, give baths, etc.
But, right about four o'clock on Saturday afternoon, I would start to get this sensation that something was wrong. Like it was too quiet.
And there was no one to interact with.
Nothing to do.
By eight o'clock I'd be completely depressed and I'd have no idea how I got there or why.
It took a few of these episodes before I figured out what was going on. I started making plans. Dinner with friends, fellowship groups, walks in the woods, etc.
The end of a stressful day has a much shorter duration and can easily be compensated for. For the weekend scenario is a different story.
The most difficult scenario is the end of a stressful week, the kids are at their mother's house and there's no money in the budget to go do anything. That's when the walls can really start to close in. I like to have several options.
Obviously, my first option is music. Sitting down with my guitar or at the piano are very therapeutic for me. Other than God and my kids, music is the great passion of my life. Another, although lesser, passion of mine is reading. But, not just reading, reading to learn about how to live this life in a quality way. I've read biographies about Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Benjamin Franklin, Charles Finney, Smith Wigglesworth and others. I also enjoy good fiction. I've read Charles Dickens, Wendell Berry, Leo Tolstoy, Mark Twain, Elie Wiesel and many more.
I also read a lot of theology and Christian teaching. Rick Joyner, Phillip Yancey and Eugene Peterson are some of the authors I've read multiple books from.
The point is, that I try to be prepared for these times with multiple choices of possible solutions to fit the mood I'm in when they arrive.
I believe that, because I'm prepared, the lonely times are much more bearable. And I am much more sane that I would be otherwise.
That's my view from here.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Ignore The Twitch
If you are a Christian, than you, most likely, fully understand the Biblical mandate of no sex outside of marriage. Having custody of my children has been the best help for me, in this area. I was not going to be bringing one night stands home with my kids there. I was not willing to to go to a hotel or someone else's home and have to lie to my children about why I hadn't come home the night before.
First living with my mother, and now have her share our home is another tremendous asset. When the kids were at their mother's for the weekend, I wasn't willing to disrespect my mother in her own home.
During this time of single fatherhood, I've had to make several business trips to other cities. One to Vegas (this was the most dangerous). Before I went, I set up accountability with people. I called home several times a day. I didn't go out in the evenings unless it was for business and with a group.
In other words: I set myself up to be successful.
I know that some are asking, "Isn't your relationship with the Lord enough for you to avoid this sin, Dean?"
Yes. That is why I take these extra precautions. I don't want to damage that relationship.
I have found it works better for me to acknowledge my weaknesses and compensate for them as best as possible. I learned in martial arts, just like life, my enemy loves to exploit my weaknesses. So I better know them and have a plan.
So, the answer to the next question is: Yes. I've abstained since before my divorce was finalized. Long before. Ignore the twitch.
I don't see this as something I am proud of. I also am not the kind of guy who sees it as a sacrifice I am honored to give to God. I really miss having sex.
But, I am my children's foremost role model. If I want them to live it. I better live it in front of them. It always comes down to putting their well being ahead of my own desires. The occasions have been rare that I've found this to be easy.
Forgiveness and fighting off bitterness have been my biggest challenges as a divorced dad. Living the Biblical mandate on sex has been a close second. It is very tough. But, it can be done.
If a knucklehead, like me, can do it, than it can't be that difficult!
I acknowledge that I am not nearly as good looking or sexy as many of the single parents out there. I also know that I don't make nearly as much money as some. Therefore I am automatically less desirable and so I get fewer opportunities to fail in this area. And for this I am grateful.
By it's very definition, abstinence is not fun - it's simply worth it.
That's my view from here.
First living with my mother, and now have her share our home is another tremendous asset. When the kids were at their mother's for the weekend, I wasn't willing to disrespect my mother in her own home.
During this time of single fatherhood, I've had to make several business trips to other cities. One to Vegas (this was the most dangerous). Before I went, I set up accountability with people. I called home several times a day. I didn't go out in the evenings unless it was for business and with a group.
In other words: I set myself up to be successful.
I know that some are asking, "Isn't your relationship with the Lord enough for you to avoid this sin, Dean?"
Yes. That is why I take these extra precautions. I don't want to damage that relationship.
I have found it works better for me to acknowledge my weaknesses and compensate for them as best as possible. I learned in martial arts, just like life, my enemy loves to exploit my weaknesses. So I better know them and have a plan.
So, the answer to the next question is: Yes. I've abstained since before my divorce was finalized. Long before. Ignore the twitch.
I don't see this as something I am proud of. I also am not the kind of guy who sees it as a sacrifice I am honored to give to God. I really miss having sex.
But, I am my children's foremost role model. If I want them to live it. I better live it in front of them. It always comes down to putting their well being ahead of my own desires. The occasions have been rare that I've found this to be easy.
Forgiveness and fighting off bitterness have been my biggest challenges as a divorced dad. Living the Biblical mandate on sex has been a close second. It is very tough. But, it can be done.
If a knucklehead, like me, can do it, than it can't be that difficult!
I acknowledge that I am not nearly as good looking or sexy as many of the single parents out there. I also know that I don't make nearly as much money as some. Therefore I am automatically less desirable and so I get fewer opportunities to fail in this area. And for this I am grateful.
By it's very definition, abstinence is not fun - it's simply worth it.
That's my view from here.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Dating
I am amazed at the number of men who ask, as their first question, "What about dating?". My answer is usually, "What about it?" And I am almost always thinking, "I was hoping you could tell me." What these men are really asking is, "Don't the kids get in the way?" or "Is having custody of your children a liability? Does it turn woman off?"
I would have to answer, candidly, "Yes." Most women who might be interested in me are immediately turned off by the fact that my three children live with me. This can be discouraging at times because there are so few who are interested in the first place! But, it also saves me lots of time and heartache.
So, I decided, early on, to lead with it. A woman who isn't interested in a man who is raising his kids, is still not interested, whether she has known him three minutes or three weeks, when she finds out. I prefer to just weed them out immediately.
I referred, earlier, to a divorce class the state required me to attend before they would finalize the divorce. I discussed, at length, the main lesson I took from that class. I also said that there were two things I learned. It is now time for that second lesson.
The instructor said, "Eventually, you will want to date again. Please put your children's needs ahead of your own desires. It is best if you don't introduce your children to anyone you have not been dating exclusively for, at least, six months. She went on to talk about how unhealthy it is for them to see their parent in a "revolving door" of relationships. It creates too much instability in their lives. And children of recently divorced parents have enough instability in their lives, don't they?
Since I've only had one serious, long-term relationship in the nearly ten years that I've been separated/divorced, I've actually done OK in this area.
There were challenges in the other direction, as well. My oldest would get "unsettled" when he guessed or found out for sure that I was dating someone. My daughter would, occasionally, purposely annoy anyone she thought might be interested in me or that I might find interesting. It was sometimes entertaining who she thought some of these woman were! And my youngest was so desperate for the mothering I was incapable of supplying that any woman who came around he would, unwittingly, monopolize their time.
These are all things I understood. Sometimes I could overlook them and other times I couldn't. Such is life.
As far as dating is concerned, this is about all I have to offer. In the time since my separation/divorce, I've only dated five women. I guess you'd say that the actuarial's "law of large numbers" is not on my side.
I have a very good life anyway.
That's my view from here.
I would have to answer, candidly, "Yes." Most women who might be interested in me are immediately turned off by the fact that my three children live with me. This can be discouraging at times because there are so few who are interested in the first place! But, it also saves me lots of time and heartache.
So, I decided, early on, to lead with it. A woman who isn't interested in a man who is raising his kids, is still not interested, whether she has known him three minutes or three weeks, when she finds out. I prefer to just weed them out immediately.
I referred, earlier, to a divorce class the state required me to attend before they would finalize the divorce. I discussed, at length, the main lesson I took from that class. I also said that there were two things I learned. It is now time for that second lesson.
The instructor said, "Eventually, you will want to date again. Please put your children's needs ahead of your own desires. It is best if you don't introduce your children to anyone you have not been dating exclusively for, at least, six months. She went on to talk about how unhealthy it is for them to see their parent in a "revolving door" of relationships. It creates too much instability in their lives. And children of recently divorced parents have enough instability in their lives, don't they?
Since I've only had one serious, long-term relationship in the nearly ten years that I've been separated/divorced, I've actually done OK in this area.
There were challenges in the other direction, as well. My oldest would get "unsettled" when he guessed or found out for sure that I was dating someone. My daughter would, occasionally, purposely annoy anyone she thought might be interested in me or that I might find interesting. It was sometimes entertaining who she thought some of these woman were! And my youngest was so desperate for the mothering I was incapable of supplying that any woman who came around he would, unwittingly, monopolize their time.
These are all things I understood. Sometimes I could overlook them and other times I couldn't. Such is life.
As far as dating is concerned, this is about all I have to offer. In the time since my separation/divorce, I've only dated five women. I guess you'd say that the actuarial's "law of large numbers" is not on my side.
I have a very good life anyway.
That's my view from here.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Honesty
Up until the very end of our relationship, my ex and I did a descent job of keeping our disagreements away from the kids. As we were going through the divorce proceedings and for a time after the divorce was final, the emotions were so frayed and raw that it became more difficult. But, after a period of time, we both settled down and went back to trying to keep our disagreements between us. And we have both made genuine efforts to not put the children in between us in our disagreements. We both believe that is completely unfair to them.
For many years, while I denied it with my mouth, in my heart I was searching for the Utopian church. I would hear things like, "If you find the perfect church, please, don't join it. You'll only mess it up." And I'd smile and nod my head in agreement. "The only place a church exists without any conflict is in heaven." "Amen!" I'd say.
But the truth was, I still had the naive belief that if everyone would "just be after God's heart", all the pettiness, territorial disputes, selfishness, etc. would just go away. In other words, if people would only seek God intensely enough, they's stop being human.
I guess, that if I really wanted to be honest, I'd say "If you folks would seek the Lord on the matter, you'd see that I'm right and you'd give me everything that I want."
But too much honesty is overrated. Don't you think?
Because I had to deal with mere humans at church, I was often offended, frustrated or, just plain angry. And during that hour long drive home from church I would vent my frustrations. Right into the hears and hearts of my children.
It didn't take long for them to start seeing little to no value in attending church. Especially for my oldest. They were supposed to be learning how to draw near to the Prince of Peace and all they were getting was conflict. Gradually, I watched their hearts grow cold to God.
When we finally did leave that church, their guards were up. I told them, "Things will be different with this ministry. They actually listen to God." The problem with this was that I was going with us. And when we got there, it turned out that these folks were all human, also. The result was more drama.
I started getting invitations to play in worship bands for conferences. I thought, "These people are seeing miracles everyday, surely they have it all together."
Nope.
More humans.
On it went until my kids had no interest in church, prayer, worship, or God. I was miserable. And I'd been the main culprit.
If I had given people more grace, and lowered my expectations, we would have had a chance at better results. If I had kept my standards high and said, "This is an unhealthy situation, we have to go", we would have had a chance at better results. If I would have been more honest about my own motivations, we would have had a chance at better results. If I would have left my children out of it, we would have had a chance at better results.
But, I didn't do any of those things and now I have to deal with the circumstances I have. My oldest isn't walking with the Lord, right now. (He is still living a very moral lifestyle.) My daughter recently had a dramatic experience with the Lord and has made tremendous strides. It is very gratifying to watch her begin to build her own relationship with Him. My youngest really isn't in a place, yet, to be responsible for his own relationship with God, but it is right around the corner.
As Jacob's sons grew into adulthood they turned out to be philanderers, murderers, jealous, petty, defrauders of their own family members, frequenters of prostitutes. Finally, they sold their brother into slavery and then compounded their sin by telling their father a lie that broke his heart and broke him as a man.
And before his death every one of them repented.
All of my kids are good kids. None of them are anything like these men.
God has planted eternity in men's hearts.
And we still have time.
That's my view from here.
For many years, while I denied it with my mouth, in my heart I was searching for the Utopian church. I would hear things like, "If you find the perfect church, please, don't join it. You'll only mess it up." And I'd smile and nod my head in agreement. "The only place a church exists without any conflict is in heaven." "Amen!" I'd say.
But the truth was, I still had the naive belief that if everyone would "just be after God's heart", all the pettiness, territorial disputes, selfishness, etc. would just go away. In other words, if people would only seek God intensely enough, they's stop being human.
I guess, that if I really wanted to be honest, I'd say "If you folks would seek the Lord on the matter, you'd see that I'm right and you'd give me everything that I want."
But too much honesty is overrated. Don't you think?
Because I had to deal with mere humans at church, I was often offended, frustrated or, just plain angry. And during that hour long drive home from church I would vent my frustrations. Right into the hears and hearts of my children.
It didn't take long for them to start seeing little to no value in attending church. Especially for my oldest. They were supposed to be learning how to draw near to the Prince of Peace and all they were getting was conflict. Gradually, I watched their hearts grow cold to God.
When we finally did leave that church, their guards were up. I told them, "Things will be different with this ministry. They actually listen to God." The problem with this was that I was going with us. And when we got there, it turned out that these folks were all human, also. The result was more drama.
I started getting invitations to play in worship bands for conferences. I thought, "These people are seeing miracles everyday, surely they have it all together."
Nope.
More humans.
On it went until my kids had no interest in church, prayer, worship, or God. I was miserable. And I'd been the main culprit.
If I had given people more grace, and lowered my expectations, we would have had a chance at better results. If I had kept my standards high and said, "This is an unhealthy situation, we have to go", we would have had a chance at better results. If I would have been more honest about my own motivations, we would have had a chance at better results. If I would have left my children out of it, we would have had a chance at better results.
But, I didn't do any of those things and now I have to deal with the circumstances I have. My oldest isn't walking with the Lord, right now. (He is still living a very moral lifestyle.) My daughter recently had a dramatic experience with the Lord and has made tremendous strides. It is very gratifying to watch her begin to build her own relationship with Him. My youngest really isn't in a place, yet, to be responsible for his own relationship with God, but it is right around the corner.
As Jacob's sons grew into adulthood they turned out to be philanderers, murderers, jealous, petty, defrauders of their own family members, frequenters of prostitutes. Finally, they sold their brother into slavery and then compounded their sin by telling their father a lie that broke his heart and broke him as a man.
And before his death every one of them repented.
All of my kids are good kids. None of them are anything like these men.
God has planted eternity in men's hearts.
And we still have time.
That's my view from here.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Only You
Your body suddenly becoming curvy is only about one third of the puberty challenge for girls. The physical changes that occur internally are even more dramatic, create greater challenges, require more discipline and demand far more responsibility.
The simple truth is, if a boy gets his girlfriend pregnant, even if he takes responsibility, he doesn't carry the child inside of him. His already turbulent emotions don't get even more out of wack. And the child doesn't become completely dependent on him twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for the foreseeable future. The young lady has to deal with all of these things and more.
Wanting to do everything within my power to help my daughter avoid these life circumstances, I gave her the same "responsible sex" speech as I did my oldest son and much more.
I went on to explain: "Boys are dogs. The will tell you anything they have to in order to get your clothes off." I told her, "Make no mistake. Any boy who wants to get you into bed before you are married is lying to you. Girls play at sex to be loved. Boys play at love to get laid. Period."
I've given her this speech so many times that I believe she has it memorized. Did I lay it on thick? Absolutely. Do I really believe that speech? Really?
Yup.
Once I was sure that the message about boys had gotten across, I went to phase two.
I've made it clear that I've taught her right from wrong. I've laid out the wise path to follow in life. If she chooses to travel a different path, she has every right to do that. But, I've spent my entire early adult life raising my children. I will not spend my middle years raising hers. (Or any children my boys may produce)
Is that harsh? Yes. Is that a lot of responsibility to place on a teenage girl? Of course. Is it anywhere near as harsh or heavy a responsibility as the real life of a teenage mom?
Nope.
My goal is clear: I want my children and my grandchildren to have the best start possible in their lives. Making sure they are fully aware of the harshness of the consequences of certain choices is a tremendous deterrent. Our entire culture is telling them how much fun sex is. And it is. But, they completely downplay the consequences.
The problem is that the consequences are lifelong.
I must find a way to counter the propaganda.
I reserved covering STD's for a separate conversation in which I was just as open.
I've also tried to provide a contrasting vision.
Imagine your wedding night. You and your new husband have a gift for each other. You've reserved this part of yourself for him alone. He's reserved this part of himself for you alone. You go into this part of your relationship with no regrets, not baggage (emotional or physical), you can both relax and be open and trusting with each other. And you can both enjoy the learning process because you are already committed, for life, to the relationship.
I've been pretty intense in today's blog, because it is reflective of how I've dealt with this issue with my daughter. Is it the best way to approach it? I don't know. It is the best that I could think of. This is the first time I've guided a young lady through puberty. As far as I know, up to this point it has worked.
Whether it "works" to the fulfilling of the vision I've presented has yet to be seen. But, it happens every day in America. Why shouldn't I strive to see it happen for my children?
If, for whatever reason, their lives do not turn out this way I know that I've done all I could do. And I am able to sleep at night.
That's my view from here.
The simple truth is, if a boy gets his girlfriend pregnant, even if he takes responsibility, he doesn't carry the child inside of him. His already turbulent emotions don't get even more out of wack. And the child doesn't become completely dependent on him twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for the foreseeable future. The young lady has to deal with all of these things and more.
Wanting to do everything within my power to help my daughter avoid these life circumstances, I gave her the same "responsible sex" speech as I did my oldest son and much more.
I went on to explain: "Boys are dogs. The will tell you anything they have to in order to get your clothes off." I told her, "Make no mistake. Any boy who wants to get you into bed before you are married is lying to you. Girls play at sex to be loved. Boys play at love to get laid. Period."
I've given her this speech so many times that I believe she has it memorized. Did I lay it on thick? Absolutely. Do I really believe that speech? Really?
Yup.
Once I was sure that the message about boys had gotten across, I went to phase two.
I've made it clear that I've taught her right from wrong. I've laid out the wise path to follow in life. If she chooses to travel a different path, she has every right to do that. But, I've spent my entire early adult life raising my children. I will not spend my middle years raising hers. (Or any children my boys may produce)
Is that harsh? Yes. Is that a lot of responsibility to place on a teenage girl? Of course. Is it anywhere near as harsh or heavy a responsibility as the real life of a teenage mom?
Nope.
My goal is clear: I want my children and my grandchildren to have the best start possible in their lives. Making sure they are fully aware of the harshness of the consequences of certain choices is a tremendous deterrent. Our entire culture is telling them how much fun sex is. And it is. But, they completely downplay the consequences.
The problem is that the consequences are lifelong.
I must find a way to counter the propaganda.
I reserved covering STD's for a separate conversation in which I was just as open.
I've also tried to provide a contrasting vision.
Imagine your wedding night. You and your new husband have a gift for each other. You've reserved this part of yourself for him alone. He's reserved this part of himself for you alone. You go into this part of your relationship with no regrets, not baggage (emotional or physical), you can both relax and be open and trusting with each other. And you can both enjoy the learning process because you are already committed, for life, to the relationship.
I've been pretty intense in today's blog, because it is reflective of how I've dealt with this issue with my daughter. Is it the best way to approach it? I don't know. It is the best that I could think of. This is the first time I've guided a young lady through puberty. As far as I know, up to this point it has worked.
Whether it "works" to the fulfilling of the vision I've presented has yet to be seen. But, it happens every day in America. Why shouldn't I strive to see it happen for my children?
If, for whatever reason, their lives do not turn out this way I know that I've done all I could do. And I am able to sleep at night.
That's my view from here.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Continuous Change
It is uncomfortable for me to talk about guiding my daughter through puberty for several reasons. One, she is uncomfortable with me talking about it. Two, I am uncomfortable thinking about my "little girl" and "sex". Thirdly, she's only half way through the journey. We've survived - but, only to this point. We have a long way to go. There are still plenty of major mistakes that we can make. And some mistakes have very long lasting consequences.
Near the end of fourth grade, my daughter started having problems at school. Not with grades but, suddenly a number of girls were picking on her. I tried to help her through it but, I didn't have a lot to offer. At that age, if some one picked on me too much, I'd just punch them in the mouth. That usually took care of it. That's not the type of advice a good Christian man is supposed to give his daughter (but it did cross my mind). Praying didn't seem to help, either.
One day, she forgot her homework. when I took it in to school, I asked to walk it back myself so I could see her. Yes, it embarrassed her to have her father be seen in her classroom. The second I walked into the room I saw what the problem was.
All the other little girls still looked pretty much like the little boys. My daughter was already looking like a young lady. In my world, being able to define a problem is half the battle. Once you are able to clearly define the problem, finding the solution becomes much easier.
My world had just been turned upside down.
I had no idea how to tell my daughter, "The girls in your class are mad at you because you have breasts - they don't." I knew this had to be done tactfully. Not one of my strengths. I did not want her to be ashamed of her body. (Our culture already does a great job of this on our women) I also did not want her to realize, yet, that her body could be used as a tool when dealing with the opposite sex or as a weapon to be used against other girls. The more I pondered the problem the more I could see that this field was filled with land mines. How was I going to navigate through it?
Then I had a perfect solution. A revelation from heaven!
Call her mother!
I called her mother and explained the situation. Mom came over and took her out for ice cream. Just the two of them. I have no idea what they talked about. When I asked my daughter I was given vagaries. I was more than happy not to push the issue. But, I do know it was taken care of.
I realize that not every single parent can turn to their former spouse for help. Some simply are not there. Some would do more harm than good. Maybe someone from church, the Big Brothers and Big Sisters or some other mentoring program, or another family member could be helpful.
While my ex and I disagree on many things, I know that she loves our children. She would never tell our daughter something that would encourage her to compromise herself in any way.
That blesses all of us.
And it helps us to live at peace with one another despite our circumstances.
That's my view from here.
Near the end of fourth grade, my daughter started having problems at school. Not with grades but, suddenly a number of girls were picking on her. I tried to help her through it but, I didn't have a lot to offer. At that age, if some one picked on me too much, I'd just punch them in the mouth. That usually took care of it. That's not the type of advice a good Christian man is supposed to give his daughter (but it did cross my mind). Praying didn't seem to help, either.
One day, she forgot her homework. when I took it in to school, I asked to walk it back myself so I could see her. Yes, it embarrassed her to have her father be seen in her classroom. The second I walked into the room I saw what the problem was.
All the other little girls still looked pretty much like the little boys. My daughter was already looking like a young lady. In my world, being able to define a problem is half the battle. Once you are able to clearly define the problem, finding the solution becomes much easier.
My world had just been turned upside down.
I had no idea how to tell my daughter, "The girls in your class are mad at you because you have breasts - they don't." I knew this had to be done tactfully. Not one of my strengths. I did not want her to be ashamed of her body. (Our culture already does a great job of this on our women) I also did not want her to realize, yet, that her body could be used as a tool when dealing with the opposite sex or as a weapon to be used against other girls. The more I pondered the problem the more I could see that this field was filled with land mines. How was I going to navigate through it?
Then I had a perfect solution. A revelation from heaven!
Call her mother!
I called her mother and explained the situation. Mom came over and took her out for ice cream. Just the two of them. I have no idea what they talked about. When I asked my daughter I was given vagaries. I was more than happy not to push the issue. But, I do know it was taken care of.
I realize that not every single parent can turn to their former spouse for help. Some simply are not there. Some would do more harm than good. Maybe someone from church, the Big Brothers and Big Sisters or some other mentoring program, or another family member could be helpful.
While my ex and I disagree on many things, I know that she loves our children. She would never tell our daughter something that would encourage her to compromise herself in any way.
That blesses all of us.
And it helps us to live at peace with one another despite our circumstances.
That's my view from here.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Change
Adolescence wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't accompanied by puberty. The combination of the two makes for much more "excitement".
Before you get too nervous, know this. My children have forbidden me to get into any details. We're just going to keep this light and fun.
Guiding my oldest son through this period was deceptively easy. He has a strong sense of honor and responsibility. It was simple to appeal to these sensibilities and watch him as he strove to abide by them. On several different occasions I got him alone and we talked about the changes he was going through. For this, I basically used a cleaned up version of Eddie Murphy's routine from "Delirious". It kept him laughing while dealing with a potentially embarrassing subject. I let him know that every man goes through it and it is normal and healthy.
As life presented opportunities we dealt with specific issues. Pornography reared its ugly head and we talked about Biblical mandates regarding sex. We talked about harvesting what you plant. Did he want people looking at his mother that way? His little sister? No? Then should he be looking at anyone else like that? He didn't deal with porn.
In sixth grade he came to me to talk about a kid in his class that was "gay". He had a deep question. "In sixth grade, how does that kid even know?" We talked about what the Bible says regarding homosexuality. We also talked about how he was never to make fun of that child and he should speak up if anyone else did.
We talked, at length, about how no one can have sex responsibly if they don't have the means to support the consequences for the next eighteen years. I was also open with him about how starting a family too early had hindered me from accomplishing many of my life goals. It also was detrimental to my marriage and my children because I was not ready for the responsibility. All these things seemed logical to him. Teenage sexual activity was not a problem.
I can see, now, that my approach was "accidental" wisdom. I really had no idea how to address puberty with my kids. My honesty combined with my Biblical and practical bent worked exceptionally well with his personality. The fact that we've always had a great relationship was another vital factor. God's ridiculous grace did the rest.
Like I said, guiding him through this period was deceptively easy.
That's my view from here.
Before you get too nervous, know this. My children have forbidden me to get into any details. We're just going to keep this light and fun.
Guiding my oldest son through this period was deceptively easy. He has a strong sense of honor and responsibility. It was simple to appeal to these sensibilities and watch him as he strove to abide by them. On several different occasions I got him alone and we talked about the changes he was going through. For this, I basically used a cleaned up version of Eddie Murphy's routine from "Delirious". It kept him laughing while dealing with a potentially embarrassing subject. I let him know that every man goes through it and it is normal and healthy.
As life presented opportunities we dealt with specific issues. Pornography reared its ugly head and we talked about Biblical mandates regarding sex. We talked about harvesting what you plant. Did he want people looking at his mother that way? His little sister? No? Then should he be looking at anyone else like that? He didn't deal with porn.
In sixth grade he came to me to talk about a kid in his class that was "gay". He had a deep question. "In sixth grade, how does that kid even know?" We talked about what the Bible says regarding homosexuality. We also talked about how he was never to make fun of that child and he should speak up if anyone else did.
We talked, at length, about how no one can have sex responsibly if they don't have the means to support the consequences for the next eighteen years. I was also open with him about how starting a family too early had hindered me from accomplishing many of my life goals. It also was detrimental to my marriage and my children because I was not ready for the responsibility. All these things seemed logical to him. Teenage sexual activity was not a problem.
I can see, now, that my approach was "accidental" wisdom. I really had no idea how to address puberty with my kids. My honesty combined with my Biblical and practical bent worked exceptionally well with his personality. The fact that we've always had a great relationship was another vital factor. God's ridiculous grace did the rest.
Like I said, guiding him through this period was deceptively easy.
That's my view from here.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Only Fools Rush In
An interesting thing about the organization that took my oldest son to Australia and New Zealand is that his siblings are automatically invited to participate as soon as they meet the age requirement. So, four years later, my daughter was invited.
To Greece and Italy.
At the bargain basement price of seven grand.
We had learned a little from the time my oldest had gone, so we did things a little differently. The first thing that was different was that she had to "earn" her way. I took her with me for my business to try to get some new accounts. Every new account she helped me get she would get the full sales commission. She also set up sales parties for an upscale kitchen utensil company. She did a great job for that company. She made somewhere between six hundred and one thousand dollars.
She had to come with me to go through the passport application process. We made her study Greece and Italy. She learned to read, write and speak some Italian. I even took her to a couple of Orthodox churches so she could understand the culture. (She told me she was the only one in the group who knew how to enter and Orthodox church properly)
We bought clothes, suitcases, talked about budgeting money, drilled her on the rules and the consequences if she broke them, talked about budgeting money, drilled her on the rules...you get the idea.
A few days before they were to fly to Greece, that country had a massive earthquake. It devastated a large part of the country. She got a little nervous.
Then the day came and I had to let my daughter go to Europe.
Without me there to protect her.
For three weeks.
I thought my experience with my oldest had prepared me.
It hadn't.
It was every bit as tough, and then some, to let my little girl get on that plane.
The day they landed, Greece had another large earth quake. It put the whole group a little on edge. They decided to move the groups day long hiking trip on one of the local volcanoes to one day sooner. The hope was to let the kids work off some of the nervous energy.
While they were on the volcano - it erupted!
None of them were ever in danger but, they did have to hike through some smoke at times. I don't think any of them will ever take Mother Nature for granted.
The day they were scheduled to return we all went to the airport to welcome her home. She was excited to see everybody. She had a million things to tell us and she wanted to go out to eat.
What I was not expecting:
My thirteen year old daughter went to Europe as my little girl. In her mind, she'd spent three weeks living "on her own" and she'd done well. As far as she was concerned, she was ready to be an adult.
The person that returned was demanding "independence". She didn't understand why she wasn't allowed to do everything her older brother was allowed to do. The fact that he was four years older than her simply was not acceptable to her as an explanation.
She had gone through the "rite of passage". Why was I still holding her back? She was in the throws of female adolescence and I had no grid for handling it.
I needed help.
The good news was, I knew I needed help.
I reached out to her mother. I reached out to counselors for both my daughter and myself. I talked with older friends who had children who had already gone through this period. I seemed to get one answer and one answer only: You just have to wait it out.
Half way through the next school year it was obvious. I could admit defeat or I could risk losing my daughter - forever.
I admitted defeat. She moved in with her mother.
Our relationship was still very difficult but, we weren't in each other's faces day in and day out.
I still don't have any answers but, recently she had her own encounter with the Lord. Since that time there is a marked difference in her attitude, behavior and our relationship.
I don't understand why it took an intense experience with God to want a life not ruled by tension and chaos. I do know that I've never been able to understand the opposite sex. What matters is that she's walking with the Lord.
I agree with Mr. Miagi: "Boys are much easier."
I learned the hard way that adulthood is not something to be rushed into. I don't want that for my kids. But, I've learned that all I can do is explain my case to them and set down rules to protect them. Their motivations are completely their own. My kids have their own wills and they will use them.
Adolescence is not something to be rushed into either. But, I can't control their biology. Once it hits I only know one prayer:
Lord, have mercy on us.
That's my view from here.
To Greece and Italy.
At the bargain basement price of seven grand.
We had learned a little from the time my oldest had gone, so we did things a little differently. The first thing that was different was that she had to "earn" her way. I took her with me for my business to try to get some new accounts. Every new account she helped me get she would get the full sales commission. She also set up sales parties for an upscale kitchen utensil company. She did a great job for that company. She made somewhere between six hundred and one thousand dollars.
She had to come with me to go through the passport application process. We made her study Greece and Italy. She learned to read, write and speak some Italian. I even took her to a couple of Orthodox churches so she could understand the culture. (She told me she was the only one in the group who knew how to enter and Orthodox church properly)
We bought clothes, suitcases, talked about budgeting money, drilled her on the rules and the consequences if she broke them, talked about budgeting money, drilled her on the rules...you get the idea.
A few days before they were to fly to Greece, that country had a massive earthquake. It devastated a large part of the country. She got a little nervous.
Then the day came and I had to let my daughter go to Europe.
Without me there to protect her.
For three weeks.
I thought my experience with my oldest had prepared me.
It hadn't.
It was every bit as tough, and then some, to let my little girl get on that plane.
The day they landed, Greece had another large earth quake. It put the whole group a little on edge. They decided to move the groups day long hiking trip on one of the local volcanoes to one day sooner. The hope was to let the kids work off some of the nervous energy.
While they were on the volcano - it erupted!
None of them were ever in danger but, they did have to hike through some smoke at times. I don't think any of them will ever take Mother Nature for granted.
The day they were scheduled to return we all went to the airport to welcome her home. She was excited to see everybody. She had a million things to tell us and she wanted to go out to eat.
What I was not expecting:
My thirteen year old daughter went to Europe as my little girl. In her mind, she'd spent three weeks living "on her own" and she'd done well. As far as she was concerned, she was ready to be an adult.
The person that returned was demanding "independence". She didn't understand why she wasn't allowed to do everything her older brother was allowed to do. The fact that he was four years older than her simply was not acceptable to her as an explanation.
She had gone through the "rite of passage". Why was I still holding her back? She was in the throws of female adolescence and I had no grid for handling it.
I needed help.
The good news was, I knew I needed help.
I reached out to her mother. I reached out to counselors for both my daughter and myself. I talked with older friends who had children who had already gone through this period. I seemed to get one answer and one answer only: You just have to wait it out.
Half way through the next school year it was obvious. I could admit defeat or I could risk losing my daughter - forever.
I admitted defeat. She moved in with her mother.
Our relationship was still very difficult but, we weren't in each other's faces day in and day out.
I still don't have any answers but, recently she had her own encounter with the Lord. Since that time there is a marked difference in her attitude, behavior and our relationship.
I don't understand why it took an intense experience with God to want a life not ruled by tension and chaos. I do know that I've never been able to understand the opposite sex. What matters is that she's walking with the Lord.
I agree with Mr. Miagi: "Boys are much easier."
I learned the hard way that adulthood is not something to be rushed into. I don't want that for my kids. But, I've learned that all I can do is explain my case to them and set down rules to protect them. Their motivations are completely their own. My kids have their own wills and they will use them.
Adolescence is not something to be rushed into either. But, I can't control their biology. Once it hits I only know one prayer:
Lord, have mercy on us.
That's my view from here.
Monday, August 8, 2011
You're So Vain
When my oldest was twelve, he was nominated by a teacher to be a "student ambassador". It sounded like something we should be interested in. So we went to the first meeting. It turned out they wanted him to be a student ambassador to Australia and New Zealand! And it would only cost four to five thousand dollars!
Because of some family members who were extremely generous, he actually got to go.
I was only a little jealous.
We did some research into the organization that was running this little excursion. They were more than credible and they had a great safety record. I was sure my son was in excellent hands. If he did everything right he could even earn extra credit in high school and it could help him get into college, as well.
We got his passport. We bought suitcases and new clothes. We drilled him on the rules and the consequences if he chose to break them. We talked about the importance of understanding other cultures so we can interact with them without being offensive or being offended. I did everything I knew to prepare him.
Before I knew it he was on the plane and gone.
Across the ocean.
For three very long weeks.
It was tough.
The day finally came for him to return. We all went to the airport to welcome him home. He was red-eyed and tired. He was happy to see everyone but, he didnt' want to talk. He didn't want to go out to eat. He just wanted to go home and sleep. I wasn't concerned. I figured he'd talk when he was ready.
A couple of days later he finally opened up to me. He was a little miffed at me. It turns out that Australia's advertising laws are a bit more liberal than America's. There are giant naked people on billboards all over Sydney! He told me he wasn't ready to see naked people and he definitely was not prepared for giant naked people.
But that wasn't his biggest issue with me. He could easily forgive my ignorance of Australia's advertising laws. What he was having much more trouble with was his experience with the Maori tribe.
The Maoris where a fierce warrior tribe from New Zealand. They had a reputation of eating the people they defeated in battle. Apparently, they are Christians now. And they wanted to pray with everyone who visited their village. They figured that the easiest way to include everyone was to pray the Lord's Prayer. A.K.A. the Our Father.
My son was the only one who didn't know it.
He was offended.
With me.
"Dad, I thought we were Christians?"
"We are, son."
"Then why was I the only Christian there who didn't know the Lord's Prayer?"
"I never thought it was important."
We ended the conversation without resolving the issue.
I went back to the Bible and prayer.
My son had experienced the unifying power of this simple prayer from Jesus' lips. (It can be found in Matthew chapter six) But, he experienced it from the outside. As one who is not in unity.
He was separate.
He was alone.
On the other side of the world.
And it was my fault.
I had been so set against "wrote" prayers because I didn't want my kids' prayers to become routine. I want my kids to have a vibrant relationship with the God. I failed to realize the power of routine to create stability, unity and safety in relationship. These are all part of a vibrant relationship.
I don't know anyone who has a completely improvisational relationship with anyone.
Why would I try to force this on my kids? It is a completely unreasonable standard.
Somehow, I thought I was smarter than Jesus. Jesus said to pray this prayer. It is something simple that Catholics, Coptics, Orthodox, Evangelicals, Pentecostals and non-denominationals can all agree on.
And so can our little family.
So now I teach my kids the Lord's Prayer (as well as other set prayers from the Bible and other sources). And I pray it with them.
And I admit that Jesus is smarter than me.
And He knows how to unify His church - and my family.
That's my view from here.
Because of some family members who were extremely generous, he actually got to go.
I was only a little jealous.
We did some research into the organization that was running this little excursion. They were more than credible and they had a great safety record. I was sure my son was in excellent hands. If he did everything right he could even earn extra credit in high school and it could help him get into college, as well.
We got his passport. We bought suitcases and new clothes. We drilled him on the rules and the consequences if he chose to break them. We talked about the importance of understanding other cultures so we can interact with them without being offensive or being offended. I did everything I knew to prepare him.
Before I knew it he was on the plane and gone.
Across the ocean.
For three very long weeks.
It was tough.
The day finally came for him to return. We all went to the airport to welcome him home. He was red-eyed and tired. He was happy to see everyone but, he didnt' want to talk. He didn't want to go out to eat. He just wanted to go home and sleep. I wasn't concerned. I figured he'd talk when he was ready.
A couple of days later he finally opened up to me. He was a little miffed at me. It turns out that Australia's advertising laws are a bit more liberal than America's. There are giant naked people on billboards all over Sydney! He told me he wasn't ready to see naked people and he definitely was not prepared for giant naked people.
But that wasn't his biggest issue with me. He could easily forgive my ignorance of Australia's advertising laws. What he was having much more trouble with was his experience with the Maori tribe.
The Maoris where a fierce warrior tribe from New Zealand. They had a reputation of eating the people they defeated in battle. Apparently, they are Christians now. And they wanted to pray with everyone who visited their village. They figured that the easiest way to include everyone was to pray the Lord's Prayer. A.K.A. the Our Father.
My son was the only one who didn't know it.
He was offended.
With me.
"Dad, I thought we were Christians?"
"We are, son."
"Then why was I the only Christian there who didn't know the Lord's Prayer?"
"I never thought it was important."
We ended the conversation without resolving the issue.
I went back to the Bible and prayer.
My son had experienced the unifying power of this simple prayer from Jesus' lips. (It can be found in Matthew chapter six) But, he experienced it from the outside. As one who is not in unity.
He was separate.
He was alone.
On the other side of the world.
And it was my fault.
I had been so set against "wrote" prayers because I didn't want my kids' prayers to become routine. I want my kids to have a vibrant relationship with the God. I failed to realize the power of routine to create stability, unity and safety in relationship. These are all part of a vibrant relationship.
I don't know anyone who has a completely improvisational relationship with anyone.
Why would I try to force this on my kids? It is a completely unreasonable standard.
Somehow, I thought I was smarter than Jesus. Jesus said to pray this prayer. It is something simple that Catholics, Coptics, Orthodox, Evangelicals, Pentecostals and non-denominationals can all agree on.
And so can our little family.
So now I teach my kids the Lord's Prayer (as well as other set prayers from the Bible and other sources). And I pray it with them.
And I admit that Jesus is smarter than me.
And He knows how to unify His church - and my family.
That's my view from here.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Teach The Children Well
"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again. Tie them to your hands as a reminder, and wear them on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
NLT
When I was married, Bible studies with the family were fairly simple. After dinner we would sit at the kitchen table and memorize verses with the kids. We would talk a little bit about what the verse meant and simple ways to live it out.
Once I was divorced, that all changed. The youngest couldn't sit still for more than thirty seconds. So, it wasn't long before I realized the classroom method wasn't going to work for him. I let him go play while I tried to work with the older two. The middle child thought, "He was disruptive and got out of it. I'll be disruptive so I can go play." The oldest thought, "Dad is really boring. I'll tell a bunch of jokes to liven things up."
My precious family Bible studies fell apart quickly.
It wouldn't be long before the religious guilt would kick in. I would hear things from the pulpit like, "The man is the priest of the home." "Men, you need to be the spiritual leader in the home." etc.
I'd try to get "the Bible study thing" cranked up again and it would just fall apart.
This pattern continued for years.
A few years ago my daughter actually said to me, "Dad, I don't know why you insist on doing these Bible studies. They all end with you yelling at Gabe." Ouch. See what I get for teaching my children to tell the truth?
I wanted so badly to be a good father. I wanted to be like Abraham.
"I have singled him out so that he will direct his sons and their families to keep the way of the LORD and do what is right and just."
Genesis 18:19a
NLT
Finally, I decided to stop beating myself over the head with this passage of scripture from Deuteronomy. God gave us this direction as a tool to help us. He didn't say it so that He would have another excuse to torture us. That's the devil's concoction and I had gulped it down like living water.
I revisited the passage prayerfully.
The first thing I noticed was the concept of total immersion. Immersion is the best way to learn a language - or a lifestyle. When you are within a culture that is unified in its language, all you see and hear is that language and your learning curve grows exponentially. This is the way the Air Force taught me to speak, read and write Russian. This is how I was baptized.
The second thing I noticed is that the classroom method is never mentioned. I'd imposed my western educational mindset on this verse. And caused my family and myself much frustration.
Thirdly, I saw that I was to commit to a godly lifestyle and live that way in front of my children. God wants me to be my kids' primary role model.
Finally, I realized God was saying, "Always be prepared for the teaching moments day to day life presents."
I can't describe how freeing this was for all of us. A great weight has been lifted from all of our shoulders. Relationship with God is so much better than religion!
Because I am involved, this is obviously not a perfect solution. I get myopic. I can get so focused on the goal that I forget to enjoy the journey. And I forget to look for those teaching moments. But, I'm working on it and our relationships with God and each other are improving. And that's what this life is all about. Isn't it?
That's my view from here.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
NLT
When I was married, Bible studies with the family were fairly simple. After dinner we would sit at the kitchen table and memorize verses with the kids. We would talk a little bit about what the verse meant and simple ways to live it out.
Once I was divorced, that all changed. The youngest couldn't sit still for more than thirty seconds. So, it wasn't long before I realized the classroom method wasn't going to work for him. I let him go play while I tried to work with the older two. The middle child thought, "He was disruptive and got out of it. I'll be disruptive so I can go play." The oldest thought, "Dad is really boring. I'll tell a bunch of jokes to liven things up."
My precious family Bible studies fell apart quickly.
It wouldn't be long before the religious guilt would kick in. I would hear things from the pulpit like, "The man is the priest of the home." "Men, you need to be the spiritual leader in the home." etc.
I'd try to get "the Bible study thing" cranked up again and it would just fall apart.
This pattern continued for years.
A few years ago my daughter actually said to me, "Dad, I don't know why you insist on doing these Bible studies. They all end with you yelling at Gabe." Ouch. See what I get for teaching my children to tell the truth?
I wanted so badly to be a good father. I wanted to be like Abraham.
"I have singled him out so that he will direct his sons and their families to keep the way of the LORD and do what is right and just."
Genesis 18:19a
NLT
Finally, I decided to stop beating myself over the head with this passage of scripture from Deuteronomy. God gave us this direction as a tool to help us. He didn't say it so that He would have another excuse to torture us. That's the devil's concoction and I had gulped it down like living water.
I revisited the passage prayerfully.
The first thing I noticed was the concept of total immersion. Immersion is the best way to learn a language - or a lifestyle. When you are within a culture that is unified in its language, all you see and hear is that language and your learning curve grows exponentially. This is the way the Air Force taught me to speak, read and write Russian. This is how I was baptized.
The second thing I noticed is that the classroom method is never mentioned. I'd imposed my western educational mindset on this verse. And caused my family and myself much frustration.
Thirdly, I saw that I was to commit to a godly lifestyle and live that way in front of my children. God wants me to be my kids' primary role model.
Finally, I realized God was saying, "Always be prepared for the teaching moments day to day life presents."
I can't describe how freeing this was for all of us. A great weight has been lifted from all of our shoulders. Relationship with God is so much better than religion!
Because I am involved, this is obviously not a perfect solution. I get myopic. I can get so focused on the goal that I forget to enjoy the journey. And I forget to look for those teaching moments. But, I'm working on it and our relationships with God and each other are improving. And that's what this life is all about. Isn't it?
That's my view from here.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Don't Worry Be Happy
Up to this point, I had been wracked with a major fear. I had already messed up my kids' lives, so badly, that I couldn't afford to make any more mistakes. There was just too much hanging in the balance. I didn't want any or all of my children to turn away from God because I had been a fool.
But, in the weeks after the encounter with God on that woman's front walk, these verses came to life for me:
God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
Ecclesiastes 3:11-13
NLT
About this same time, a woman I had worked with showed up at church. I didn't know what was up so, I kept my distance. Then one day the pastor started talking about a woman who had a brain tumor. She came to our church for prayer and now the doctors said that the tumor was GONE! I was excited to find out who it was. When the pastor called the woman forward it was the woman I'd worked with!
Then the pastor asked her why she'd picked our church. She pointed at me and said, "That man, right there. I watched him for a year and a half and he refused to compromise."
Now, I would expect my reaction to that news to be, to become prideful for a few days. Then I would do make a mistake that brought right back to earth. Strangely, I found myself being terrified. I thought, "Thank God I didn't mess up in front of her! She might not be here on earth anymore!"
But, I as I thought about it, the truth is she had seen me mess up. I'd been very visible in that place and I'm loud. I'm not very diplomatic and I always think I'm right until somebody proves me wrong. She didn't show up because of me. She showed up because of what king Solomon discovered many years ago.
Eternity had been planted in her heart. Everybody wants to live forever. And there is only One Person who can make that happen. Because God makes each of us "a city on a hill", this woman knew where she could find the One who could help her.
So, what does this have to do with me and my kids? If this woman could look past all my warts and faults to get what was already in her heart, surely, my children, who love me and whom I love so ferociously would be able to do the same.
The funny thing is that once I began to trust Him with my children, I was able to relax and start enjoying this beautiful life so much more. And that makes Him more attractive to my kids. And it makes day to day living a lot more enjoyable!
That's my view from here.
But, in the weeks after the encounter with God on that woman's front walk, these verses came to life for me:
God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
Ecclesiastes 3:11-13
NLT
About this same time, a woman I had worked with showed up at church. I didn't know what was up so, I kept my distance. Then one day the pastor started talking about a woman who had a brain tumor. She came to our church for prayer and now the doctors said that the tumor was GONE! I was excited to find out who it was. When the pastor called the woman forward it was the woman I'd worked with!
Then the pastor asked her why she'd picked our church. She pointed at me and said, "That man, right there. I watched him for a year and a half and he refused to compromise."
Now, I would expect my reaction to that news to be, to become prideful for a few days. Then I would do make a mistake that brought right back to earth. Strangely, I found myself being terrified. I thought, "Thank God I didn't mess up in front of her! She might not be here on earth anymore!"
But, I as I thought about it, the truth is she had seen me mess up. I'd been very visible in that place and I'm loud. I'm not very diplomatic and I always think I'm right until somebody proves me wrong. She didn't show up because of me. She showed up because of what king Solomon discovered many years ago.
Eternity had been planted in her heart. Everybody wants to live forever. And there is only One Person who can make that happen. Because God makes each of us "a city on a hill", this woman knew where she could find the One who could help her.
So, what does this have to do with me and my kids? If this woman could look past all my warts and faults to get what was already in her heart, surely, my children, who love me and whom I love so ferociously would be able to do the same.
The funny thing is that once I began to trust Him with my children, I was able to relax and start enjoying this beautiful life so much more. And that makes Him more attractive to my kids. And it makes day to day living a lot more enjoyable!
That's my view from here.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Stars of the Sky
Once I got the revelation that God was a single parent and knew exactly how to do this, things started changing...
I quickly realized that one of the reasons there are not many specific "how to's" on raising children in the Bible is because each of us is unique. Since we were designed by the most creative Person who ever has or ever will exist, that makes sense. I knew all along I needed to communicate with each of my children according to their personalities but, suddenly I realized I was free to be as creative as I could possibly be.
An example:
We enjoy camping during the fall and spring in Nueces Canyon here in Texas. One of the places we go is right beside the Nueces River. It is three miles from the nearest little town and ten or twelve miles from the nearest city. At night stars flood the sky.
We've set out at night and talked about how beautiful they are. How much must God love us to make something so beautiful for us?
We've talked about how there are more then we are able to count. We've talked about how the better our scientific tools get the farther we can see - and we can't find where the stars end. Many of the stars we see are are tens or hundreds of times larger than our sun. Many of the stars we see are actually galaxies made up of billions of stars. And God created them all - with His Word.
The same God we pray to and who is intimately involved in out lives, is the same God who created all of these beautiful stars. With a close, family friend that powerful what could we possibly have to fear?
We've talked about how these stars are out there in total darkness but the darkness doesn't have any measurable effect on their light. And the book of Philippians says that we shine like stars in the middle of a dark world holding out the Word of Life.
We've talked about how some of these stars are billions of light years away. So, the light we are seeing was created billions of years ago. Yet, we are still able to see it. How amazing would it be to live a life that was still influencing people hundreds or even thousands of years after it was over?
God does this with "regular" people all the time. Abraham was "just" a business man. Joseph was "just" a slave and, eehw, a government bureaucrat. Peter was a fisherman. So was John. Martin Luther started out to be a lawyer. I tell them, "you're just as regular as anybody else. Why wouldn't God use you like that?"
I know most of this stuff goes in one ear and out the other. That just gives me an excuse to go camping more so I can tell them those things over and over! Peter wrote, "to keep telling you the same thing over and over doesn't bother me. You need it."
When I first turned to the Bible for direction on how to raise and train my children I was disappointed in how few specific instructions there were. Then I realized that raising children is not a science. It is an art. The methods and techniques are not timeless. The truths and principles are.
And every day life offers infinite themes for artistic improvisation.
That's my view from here.
I quickly realized that one of the reasons there are not many specific "how to's" on raising children in the Bible is because each of us is unique. Since we were designed by the most creative Person who ever has or ever will exist, that makes sense. I knew all along I needed to communicate with each of my children according to their personalities but, suddenly I realized I was free to be as creative as I could possibly be.
An example:
We enjoy camping during the fall and spring in Nueces Canyon here in Texas. One of the places we go is right beside the Nueces River. It is three miles from the nearest little town and ten or twelve miles from the nearest city. At night stars flood the sky.
We've set out at night and talked about how beautiful they are. How much must God love us to make something so beautiful for us?
We've talked about how there are more then we are able to count. We've talked about how the better our scientific tools get the farther we can see - and we can't find where the stars end. Many of the stars we see are are tens or hundreds of times larger than our sun. Many of the stars we see are actually galaxies made up of billions of stars. And God created them all - with His Word.
The same God we pray to and who is intimately involved in out lives, is the same God who created all of these beautiful stars. With a close, family friend that powerful what could we possibly have to fear?
We've talked about how these stars are out there in total darkness but the darkness doesn't have any measurable effect on their light. And the book of Philippians says that we shine like stars in the middle of a dark world holding out the Word of Life.
We've talked about how some of these stars are billions of light years away. So, the light we are seeing was created billions of years ago. Yet, we are still able to see it. How amazing would it be to live a life that was still influencing people hundreds or even thousands of years after it was over?
God does this with "regular" people all the time. Abraham was "just" a business man. Joseph was "just" a slave and, eehw, a government bureaucrat. Peter was a fisherman. So was John. Martin Luther started out to be a lawyer. I tell them, "you're just as regular as anybody else. Why wouldn't God use you like that?"
I know most of this stuff goes in one ear and out the other. That just gives me an excuse to go camping more so I can tell them those things over and over! Peter wrote, "to keep telling you the same thing over and over doesn't bother me. You need it."
When I first turned to the Bible for direction on how to raise and train my children I was disappointed in how few specific instructions there were. Then I realized that raising children is not a science. It is an art. The methods and techniques are not timeless. The truths and principles are.
And every day life offers infinite themes for artistic improvisation.
That's my view from here.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Revelation
The corporate job only lasted about fifteen months. That was plenty long enough. I learned enough about myself and the corporate world to realize that I don't belong.
Once that job ended I bounced around for a few months until I finally landed at a small custom window coverings business. It was owned by a friend of mine named Joe. He took me with him for the first couple of weeks to train me. Then he started sending me out to houses on my own.
It took another month or so before I was actually confident on the job by myself. (I've never been good with tools) But, those times alone in those empty houses and empty offices were wonderful gifts. The peace and quiet, the simplicity of the job, the complete unneccessariness of politics or diplomacy was exhilarating.
One day I was sent to a house. I was told the new owner had already moved in and really needed her blinds. It wasn't a big job. I'd be done in about three hours. I was greeted at the door by a beautiful, black woman. Maybe five feet ten inches tall, athletic looking, confident. She welcomed me and let me get started.
With less than an hour of work left she started talking with me. How long had I known the owner of my company? Was I like him? (I've never met anyone quite like Joe) In other words, was I a Christian?
It wasn't long before she opened up to me. She had three young children. Two girls and a boy. She and her husband had been pastors of a church for five years. Then he decided he wanted to play the field. So, now she was working for her mother, who was pastor of another church.
At one point she had to take a phone call in the other room. While she was in there, of course, her children came home from school. They opened the front door to stare wide eyed with fear at some strange white guy in their brand new living room. I said, "It's OK, your mom is in the other room on the phone. She'll be here in a moment."
The oldest girl bravely walked past me into the master bedroom to find their mother. At which time they resumed being normal little kids.
As I was finishing up I found a window that was leaking so badly that the new paint was peeling. When I told her about it she said, "they've assured me they'll fix it." I knew that if her husband had been with her they would have fixed it before closing day.
By the time I had everything cleaned up and was lugging all the equipment back to my vehicle I was pretty upset. This woman and these kids should not be going through this. This is not the way things are supposed to work. We are supposed to do the right things and the right things are supposed to happen for us. That's the way this life is supposed to work.
As I was walking to my car with both arms and hands filled with the last load of tools something exploded in my head.
I heard, "You know God the Father is a single parent. If anyone knows how to do this He does."
I nearly dropped my tools. It stopped me in my tracks. All the anger drained out through my toes. I was filled with peace for days afterward. I had just been given a spectacular reminder that neither she nor I were alone in this thing. We both had access to the greatest parenting mentor ever available. And that changes everything.
Being a single parent is difficult. And there is no getting around the loneliness, at times. But, we are never alone. God was not taken by surprise by me (or anyone else) becoming a single parent. He's been prepared for this for a very long time. As long as I stay tuned in to Him, we'll make it through this.
That's my view from here.
Once that job ended I bounced around for a few months until I finally landed at a small custom window coverings business. It was owned by a friend of mine named Joe. He took me with him for the first couple of weeks to train me. Then he started sending me out to houses on my own.
It took another month or so before I was actually confident on the job by myself. (I've never been good with tools) But, those times alone in those empty houses and empty offices were wonderful gifts. The peace and quiet, the simplicity of the job, the complete unneccessariness of politics or diplomacy was exhilarating.
One day I was sent to a house. I was told the new owner had already moved in and really needed her blinds. It wasn't a big job. I'd be done in about three hours. I was greeted at the door by a beautiful, black woman. Maybe five feet ten inches tall, athletic looking, confident. She welcomed me and let me get started.
With less than an hour of work left she started talking with me. How long had I known the owner of my company? Was I like him? (I've never met anyone quite like Joe) In other words, was I a Christian?
It wasn't long before she opened up to me. She had three young children. Two girls and a boy. She and her husband had been pastors of a church for five years. Then he decided he wanted to play the field. So, now she was working for her mother, who was pastor of another church.
At one point she had to take a phone call in the other room. While she was in there, of course, her children came home from school. They opened the front door to stare wide eyed with fear at some strange white guy in their brand new living room. I said, "It's OK, your mom is in the other room on the phone. She'll be here in a moment."
The oldest girl bravely walked past me into the master bedroom to find their mother. At which time they resumed being normal little kids.
As I was finishing up I found a window that was leaking so badly that the new paint was peeling. When I told her about it she said, "they've assured me they'll fix it." I knew that if her husband had been with her they would have fixed it before closing day.
By the time I had everything cleaned up and was lugging all the equipment back to my vehicle I was pretty upset. This woman and these kids should not be going through this. This is not the way things are supposed to work. We are supposed to do the right things and the right things are supposed to happen for us. That's the way this life is supposed to work.
As I was walking to my car with both arms and hands filled with the last load of tools something exploded in my head.
I heard, "You know God the Father is a single parent. If anyone knows how to do this He does."
I nearly dropped my tools. It stopped me in my tracks. All the anger drained out through my toes. I was filled with peace for days afterward. I had just been given a spectacular reminder that neither she nor I were alone in this thing. We both had access to the greatest parenting mentor ever available. And that changes everything.
Being a single parent is difficult. And there is no getting around the loneliness, at times. But, we are never alone. God was not taken by surprise by me (or anyone else) becoming a single parent. He's been prepared for this for a very long time. As long as I stay tuned in to Him, we'll make it through this.
That's my view from here.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Kung Fu Fighting
The day before I started the new job, my oldest and I spent several hours cleaning the gutters in the street around my mother's house. By the time we were finished the trash can was very heavy. When my son took it to the curb he lost control and it fell over.
I went to pick it up. Just as I got it upright the wheels rolled away from me and it fell over again. On it's way down it sliced the outside of my left wrist. My fretting hand when I play guitar. It started bleeding at a rapid pace.
And I got really angry.
I cussed at the trash can. I called it a filthy name.
Then I kicked it.
This wasn't just any kick. I turned my hip to get some real power behind it. Just like I'd been trained to do in martial arts. When I connected with the trash can my foot and lower leg stopped dead. My upper leg and hip kept going. Something had to give. That something was my knee. I immediately forgot about my wrist.
I fell onto the front lawn - crying. My knee slid back into place. I felt it. I told my son to go call my brother. When he did, my other two found out something was wrong. They came out front to watch dad crying on the front lawn. The neighbor across the street had seen me fall. He and his high school age boy came to help me up.
I had to explain to them what I had done to myself.
What was I going to do? I had no health insurance and no money. I had a stick shift that I needed both legs to drive to my new job the next morning.
I repented out loud and asked God's forgiveness. Then I and my three children started praying for healing.
Within an hour, and with out any pain killers, I was able to walk. I never did get healed completely. But, the next day I drove to and started my job - a very humble and grateful man.
There's nothing like messing up in front his kids to force a man to deal with a problem.
Since that day in January of 2004 I've had many of the "big names" pray for me. I've had many more small names pray for me. I still have a bum knee.
Every time I'm just standing there and my knee pops backward and I get that pain shooting all the way to my back teeth, I'm reminded that I control my temper. If I lose my temper that is a choice I make. It is a choice that makes it more difficult for my kids to respect me. It makes it more difficult for my kids to be proud of who their dad is. It shows them that they can lose control, if they want to, as well. Is that really what I want to teach my kids?
Since that evening, I've had plenty of opportunities to get angry. And I've taken advantage of some of those opportunities. But, most of them I've turned down. It would appear that, "where sin abounds, grace abounds much more."
That's my view from here.
I went to pick it up. Just as I got it upright the wheels rolled away from me and it fell over again. On it's way down it sliced the outside of my left wrist. My fretting hand when I play guitar. It started bleeding at a rapid pace.
And I got really angry.
I cussed at the trash can. I called it a filthy name.
Then I kicked it.
This wasn't just any kick. I turned my hip to get some real power behind it. Just like I'd been trained to do in martial arts. When I connected with the trash can my foot and lower leg stopped dead. My upper leg and hip kept going. Something had to give. That something was my knee. I immediately forgot about my wrist.
I fell onto the front lawn - crying. My knee slid back into place. I felt it. I told my son to go call my brother. When he did, my other two found out something was wrong. They came out front to watch dad crying on the front lawn. The neighbor across the street had seen me fall. He and his high school age boy came to help me up.
I had to explain to them what I had done to myself.
What was I going to do? I had no health insurance and no money. I had a stick shift that I needed both legs to drive to my new job the next morning.
I repented out loud and asked God's forgiveness. Then I and my three children started praying for healing.
Within an hour, and with out any pain killers, I was able to walk. I never did get healed completely. But, the next day I drove to and started my job - a very humble and grateful man.
There's nothing like messing up in front his kids to force a man to deal with a problem.
Since that day in January of 2004 I've had many of the "big names" pray for me. I've had many more small names pray for me. I still have a bum knee.
Every time I'm just standing there and my knee pops backward and I get that pain shooting all the way to my back teeth, I'm reminded that I control my temper. If I lose my temper that is a choice I make. It is a choice that makes it more difficult for my kids to respect me. It makes it more difficult for my kids to be proud of who their dad is. It shows them that they can lose control, if they want to, as well. Is that really what I want to teach my kids?
Since that evening, I've had plenty of opportunities to get angry. And I've taken advantage of some of those opportunities. But, most of them I've turned down. It would appear that, "where sin abounds, grace abounds much more."
That's my view from here.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Do The Hustle
It goes without sayiing that our first year as a "single dad household" was incredibly stressful for everyone. Not having an actual income only compounded the problem. By August the person I was "renting" our house from had reached their breaking point. I hadn't been able to pay rent all year and they simply could not carry me any farther.
I was left with two options. Take my kids to a homeless shelter or move in with my mother.
I chose the homeless shelter.
I'm kidding. We moved into my mother's house over Labor Day Weekend. It was a lot of packing and unpacking. It was a lot of heavy lifting. It was difficult explaining to the kids why we had to move. It was crowded and a lot louder than our house. It was uncomfortable for everyone.
And it was humiliating.
I knew that once I made that move I could forget about finding a healthy woman to become my wife. I knew the chances of finding a healthy woman who wanted to marry a thirty-four year old man with three children who "lived with his mommy" were incalculably small. Since an unhealthy woman was not an option, any hope of a relationship was off the table for the foreseeable future. Folks might be willing to lend a hand to help but, a help mate would not be coming.
I told myself, "It's not forever, it's for now. You'll find a job, save up some cash, and get a place. You'll be back in your own house in a year or two."
I kept showing up at the straight commission jobs. I did odd drywall jobs that I picked up here and there. I even put together a deal with a business man that I knew would make us both a lot of money. I also knew that the company he represented would not live up to their contracts with the clients I'd be helping this guy find. So, I killed the deal.
I did a little personal coaching for a couple of small business owners I knew. It worked. Their businesses grew immediately. And collapsed just as fast when they stopped doing what I'd taught them.
I borrowed $1600 from another business man I knew to get started with a multi-level company. The problem with that was, to succeed in that kind of business you have to be a really good salesperson and a disciplined leader. I was neither. The business man ended up forgiving the debt.
Just as I was about to give up all hope a placement service called me. They found a position for me with a large corporation with a prestigious name. It didn't pay very much but it was steady money every week. I jumped at it. When I told my mother she was ecstatic. When I told my kids they were excited. After thirteen incredibly long months things were looking up.
Abraham Lincoln once said, "Good things may come to those who wait but, only what is left by those who hustle."
I found I wasn't very good at the hustle.
About fifteen years ago there was a song that said, "Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child."
Sometimes, the only way through a storm is to hang on and let it blow itself out.
That's my view from here.
I was left with two options. Take my kids to a homeless shelter or move in with my mother.
I chose the homeless shelter.
I'm kidding. We moved into my mother's house over Labor Day Weekend. It was a lot of packing and unpacking. It was a lot of heavy lifting. It was difficult explaining to the kids why we had to move. It was crowded and a lot louder than our house. It was uncomfortable for everyone.
And it was humiliating.
I knew that once I made that move I could forget about finding a healthy woman to become my wife. I knew the chances of finding a healthy woman who wanted to marry a thirty-four year old man with three children who "lived with his mommy" were incalculably small. Since an unhealthy woman was not an option, any hope of a relationship was off the table for the foreseeable future. Folks might be willing to lend a hand to help but, a help mate would not be coming.
I told myself, "It's not forever, it's for now. You'll find a job, save up some cash, and get a place. You'll be back in your own house in a year or two."
I kept showing up at the straight commission jobs. I did odd drywall jobs that I picked up here and there. I even put together a deal with a business man that I knew would make us both a lot of money. I also knew that the company he represented would not live up to their contracts with the clients I'd be helping this guy find. So, I killed the deal.
I did a little personal coaching for a couple of small business owners I knew. It worked. Their businesses grew immediately. And collapsed just as fast when they stopped doing what I'd taught them.
I borrowed $1600 from another business man I knew to get started with a multi-level company. The problem with that was, to succeed in that kind of business you have to be a really good salesperson and a disciplined leader. I was neither. The business man ended up forgiving the debt.
Just as I was about to give up all hope a placement service called me. They found a position for me with a large corporation with a prestigious name. It didn't pay very much but it was steady money every week. I jumped at it. When I told my mother she was ecstatic. When I told my kids they were excited. After thirteen incredibly long months things were looking up.
Abraham Lincoln once said, "Good things may come to those who wait but, only what is left by those who hustle."
I found I wasn't very good at the hustle.
About fifteen years ago there was a song that said, "Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child."
Sometimes, the only way through a storm is to hang on and let it blow itself out.
That's my view from here.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Recovery
Having kids is a tremendous aid in the recovery of a control freak. That or a fast track to a nervous breakdown.
One thing that I noticed pretty quickly was that, as long as I was there and interacting with the kids, we all lived a fairly peaceful existence. But, if I had to spend more than two or three minutes out of contact all hell broke loose. Every time.
I started out explaining, "When I have to go the bathroom that is not time for you guys to go crazy." "When I have to cut the grass that is not time for you guys to fight." When I have to..." You get the picture.
I found myself asking, "How can I fix this?" "How can I put a stop to this?" A number of potential solutions crossed my mind. There is the way society does it. "If you don't follow the rules you get fined, go to jail or, in extreme cases, get executed."
There is the way the church used to do it. "We may not be able to see you all the time but, God does. God is always watching. And if you step out of line He'll getcha!" This works until they start testing boundaries and find out that God isn't sitting there with a sledge hammer waiting for you to step outside the fences so He can crush you. They figure out quickly that that is not God's character.
As I thought about it, there is some truth to both of these approaches. Life does have consequences for bad behavior. and there are spiritual consequences (some eternally serious) for sin. Where these approaches fall short is twofold:
1. Both of these solutions use fear as their motivating force.
2. Coercing the correct behavior from someone does nothing to change their inner motivation.
About this time I came across a quote. I think it was C.S. Lewis but, I am not sure. Here's the quote:
"Rome tried to change the world by changing men's laws. Christ tried to change the world by changing men's hearts."
I realized I was dealing with a 'super natural' problem but, I'd been using 'natural' solutions. Unless my children's hearts were inclined toward peace with one another only my restraining presence or punishments would maintain the peace I so desperately wanted in my home.
How exactly had Jesus dealt with this problem? His was a two step process.
1. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...(Jesus was a living demonstration of the Father's love)
2. Jesus said, "If you love Me you'll do what I say. And doing what I say won't be forced." (Jesus explained to those closest to Him how to show their love for Him)
I didn't really know how to go about this other than to copy Jesus. So, I just started telling them, "I go to work everyday to provide for you because I love. I make your meals, do your laundry....because I love you. Do you love me?" "Yes." "If you love me you'll love and respect each other and follow the rules."
Then I would pray.
My kids are by no means the model Christian children you would expect to see in a magazine or "Christian" television show. We have real issues that need real solutions. Our lives are not cake walks.
I won't bore you with a list of my kids' virtues. I can tell you that, so far, my kids have made choices that are infinitely better than the choices I made at their respective ages.
These are regular kids whose lives are far better than their father's life was as a kid. And that has happened, in part, because God gave me the grace to see that I could not control their lives for them. But, I could help them learn to live healthy lives themselves.
What they do with what I teach them is completely up to them.
That's my view from here.
One thing that I noticed pretty quickly was that, as long as I was there and interacting with the kids, we all lived a fairly peaceful existence. But, if I had to spend more than two or three minutes out of contact all hell broke loose. Every time.
I started out explaining, "When I have to go the bathroom that is not time for you guys to go crazy." "When I have to cut the grass that is not time for you guys to fight." When I have to..." You get the picture.
I found myself asking, "How can I fix this?" "How can I put a stop to this?" A number of potential solutions crossed my mind. There is the way society does it. "If you don't follow the rules you get fined, go to jail or, in extreme cases, get executed."
There is the way the church used to do it. "We may not be able to see you all the time but, God does. God is always watching. And if you step out of line He'll getcha!" This works until they start testing boundaries and find out that God isn't sitting there with a sledge hammer waiting for you to step outside the fences so He can crush you. They figure out quickly that that is not God's character.
As I thought about it, there is some truth to both of these approaches. Life does have consequences for bad behavior. and there are spiritual consequences (some eternally serious) for sin. Where these approaches fall short is twofold:
1. Both of these solutions use fear as their motivating force.
2. Coercing the correct behavior from someone does nothing to change their inner motivation.
About this time I came across a quote. I think it was C.S. Lewis but, I am not sure. Here's the quote:
"Rome tried to change the world by changing men's laws. Christ tried to change the world by changing men's hearts."
I realized I was dealing with a 'super natural' problem but, I'd been using 'natural' solutions. Unless my children's hearts were inclined toward peace with one another only my restraining presence or punishments would maintain the peace I so desperately wanted in my home.
How exactly had Jesus dealt with this problem? His was a two step process.
1. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...(Jesus was a living demonstration of the Father's love)
2. Jesus said, "If you love Me you'll do what I say. And doing what I say won't be forced." (Jesus explained to those closest to Him how to show their love for Him)
I didn't really know how to go about this other than to copy Jesus. So, I just started telling them, "I go to work everyday to provide for you because I love. I make your meals, do your laundry....because I love you. Do you love me?" "Yes." "If you love me you'll love and respect each other and follow the rules."
Then I would pray.
My kids are by no means the model Christian children you would expect to see in a magazine or "Christian" television show. We have real issues that need real solutions. Our lives are not cake walks.
I won't bore you with a list of my kids' virtues. I can tell you that, so far, my kids have made choices that are infinitely better than the choices I made at their respective ages.
These are regular kids whose lives are far better than their father's life was as a kid. And that has happened, in part, because God gave me the grace to see that I could not control their lives for them. But, I could help them learn to live healthy lives themselves.
What they do with what I teach them is completely up to them.
That's my view from here.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Control Freak
"My name is Dean and I'm a control freak." That's how the meetings of Control Freaks Anonymous would begin. There are no CFA meetings, of course, because none of the members would be allowed to run the meetings, so none of us would show up!
I am a recovering control freak. For some deeply insane reason I think I should be in charge of everything. That would be very bad for everyone in the universe.
For numerous reasons it took my ex and I almost two years to divorce. As part of the process, the state of Texas insisted that we each attend a "divorce class". It even came with a text book.
When I heard that I had to go to a class on how to get divorced properly, I was - ironically amused. I didn't have to attend a class to get married. (I understand that many pastors require this before agreeing to officiate the wedding now. For the record, this is a great idea.) On my way to the class I was thinking, "we are in the middle of divorce. We are all so cynical at this point that I don't think any of us will be listening."
There must have been one hundred fifty people in that room. I was stunned. They had this class at least every month. I think it was even more often. Was the room this full every time? I remembered the schedule was consistent. It was always in the same room - on this side of town. There were other locations in town. Then I thought, "Dear God help us."
How could there possibly be this many divorces every month and yet we don't have complete chaos in our society? Did all of these people have kids? How many shattered lives were represented in that room that Saturday morning?
The class began. After a few minutes of obligatory introductions and paperwork the instructor began. I only remember two of the things she said. The first applied to me the most.
"One of the reasons you are getting divorced is because you couldn't get your spouse to do what you wanted. Now that you are divorced, don't kid yourself, you won't be able to control them now, either.
I knew that was what I had been sent there to hear. I even wrote it down.
That class lasted at least two hours. It was full of really good nuts and bolts "how to's" of living as a divorced person. Apparently we've practiced it so much here in America that we have it down to a science. What does that say about us as a culture? (See? I'm recovery, not recovered. But, I digress.
I didn't get this lesson perfect from the day I attended this class. And I still haven't. It actually took several years before I stopped thinking I could "get" my ex to see and do things my way. But, I did get there.
Eventually I realized that I'd been holding myself captive by fooling myself in this area. I put myself on an emotional roller coaster by trying to control the actions of another person. It did not matter if my reasons were "it's what's best for the kids." My approach was wrong. And it caused all kinds of unnecessary stress for her, the kids and me.
I am learning that there is a God - and I ain't Him. I am not in control and my life and my kids' lives are much better for it.
That's my view from here.
I am a recovering control freak. For some deeply insane reason I think I should be in charge of everything. That would be very bad for everyone in the universe.
For numerous reasons it took my ex and I almost two years to divorce. As part of the process, the state of Texas insisted that we each attend a "divorce class". It even came with a text book.
When I heard that I had to go to a class on how to get divorced properly, I was - ironically amused. I didn't have to attend a class to get married. (I understand that many pastors require this before agreeing to officiate the wedding now. For the record, this is a great idea.) On my way to the class I was thinking, "we are in the middle of divorce. We are all so cynical at this point that I don't think any of us will be listening."
There must have been one hundred fifty people in that room. I was stunned. They had this class at least every month. I think it was even more often. Was the room this full every time? I remembered the schedule was consistent. It was always in the same room - on this side of town. There were other locations in town. Then I thought, "Dear God help us."
How could there possibly be this many divorces every month and yet we don't have complete chaos in our society? Did all of these people have kids? How many shattered lives were represented in that room that Saturday morning?
The class began. After a few minutes of obligatory introductions and paperwork the instructor began. I only remember two of the things she said. The first applied to me the most.
"One of the reasons you are getting divorced is because you couldn't get your spouse to do what you wanted. Now that you are divorced, don't kid yourself, you won't be able to control them now, either.
I knew that was what I had been sent there to hear. I even wrote it down.
That class lasted at least two hours. It was full of really good nuts and bolts "how to's" of living as a divorced person. Apparently we've practiced it so much here in America that we have it down to a science. What does that say about us as a culture? (See? I'm recovery, not recovered. But, I digress.
I didn't get this lesson perfect from the day I attended this class. And I still haven't. It actually took several years before I stopped thinking I could "get" my ex to see and do things my way. But, I did get there.
Eventually I realized that I'd been holding myself captive by fooling myself in this area. I put myself on an emotional roller coaster by trying to control the actions of another person. It did not matter if my reasons were "it's what's best for the kids." My approach was wrong. And it caused all kinds of unnecessary stress for her, the kids and me.
I am learning that there is a God - and I ain't Him. I am not in control and my life and my kids' lives are much better for it.
That's my view from here.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Unanswered Prayer
I've written before about my youngest son being the closest thing to Ricochet Rabbit I've ever seen. Twenty to thirty minutes after he wakes up he's bouncing off the walls looking for new ways to enjoy life. He's not destructive by nature. He is a really sweet kid who longs to please his parents and is devastated when he disappoints one of us. That said, things tended to get broken just by being in his general area.
When he was four we tried T-ball. It was an unmitigated disaster. He'd been to all the practices. We'd practiced some at home. But, when game day arrived he had no idea what he was supposed to do. The game moved so slowly that it was impossible to keep his attention. When the ball did finally get to him he had no idea what to do with it. By the end of the second game he was done and I was relieved.
Something strange happened after that second game. A woman approached me and said, "one of my boys has ADHD. He was the same way. Get him to a doctor and get him on some drugs. All your lives will be better for it." That was the craziest thing I'd ever heard! Purposely put my little boy on drugs? I thought, "she must be on drugs herself!"
Six months later he started Kinder Garden. Within two weeks the teachers were all extremely frustrated. They were practically screaming at me, "Get him on drugs or get him out of our school!"
I told them, "none of you are doctors and I refuse to accept your diagnosis." We went to our pediatrician and he said almost the exact same thing as me. He gave me a survey for each of my son's teachers to fill out. It came back almost unanimously bad.
At the same time, I went and spoke to the children's church director and asked her about him. She said, "Dean, he just seems so frustrated. He wants so badly to be good."
I called a friend of mine who is a teacher. He asked, "what did the survey say?" When I told him he replied, "Dean, I've been a teacher for a decade. I've worked with other teachers all of those years. You can't get us to agree on anything. If they are all saying there's a problem, than there's a real problem."
I'd been fasting and praying for a different solution but, none came. I relented and got the prescription. I felt like a complete failure as a parent. How could I let my little boy be condemned to having to take drugs just to be able to go to school?
When I took the prescription into the school nurse she could tell I was not happy. She started asking me about it and we quickly got to, "I don't want my kid on drugs." Her reply was just as simple. "More than seventy percent of these kids who don't get medication end up self-medicating."
I blurted out, "That's what I did! I don't want that!" My reply made her very uncomfortable. But, what she'd said set me free. I don't want my son going down that destructive path. Because I was forced to deal with this issue very early on, I may have been pre-empting something much worse in the future.
Now I see things much differently. My son's daily medication isn't any different than asthma meds. It's just a different malady that he's being treated for. I thought I'd been "defeated" as a parent. What really happened is my son was surrounded by people who had no personal interest but, wanted to give him a lifelong victory anyway.
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
That's my view from here.
When he was four we tried T-ball. It was an unmitigated disaster. He'd been to all the practices. We'd practiced some at home. But, when game day arrived he had no idea what he was supposed to do. The game moved so slowly that it was impossible to keep his attention. When the ball did finally get to him he had no idea what to do with it. By the end of the second game he was done and I was relieved.
Something strange happened after that second game. A woman approached me and said, "one of my boys has ADHD. He was the same way. Get him to a doctor and get him on some drugs. All your lives will be better for it." That was the craziest thing I'd ever heard! Purposely put my little boy on drugs? I thought, "she must be on drugs herself!"
Six months later he started Kinder Garden. Within two weeks the teachers were all extremely frustrated. They were practically screaming at me, "Get him on drugs or get him out of our school!"
I told them, "none of you are doctors and I refuse to accept your diagnosis." We went to our pediatrician and he said almost the exact same thing as me. He gave me a survey for each of my son's teachers to fill out. It came back almost unanimously bad.
At the same time, I went and spoke to the children's church director and asked her about him. She said, "Dean, he just seems so frustrated. He wants so badly to be good."
I called a friend of mine who is a teacher. He asked, "what did the survey say?" When I told him he replied, "Dean, I've been a teacher for a decade. I've worked with other teachers all of those years. You can't get us to agree on anything. If they are all saying there's a problem, than there's a real problem."
I'd been fasting and praying for a different solution but, none came. I relented and got the prescription. I felt like a complete failure as a parent. How could I let my little boy be condemned to having to take drugs just to be able to go to school?
When I took the prescription into the school nurse she could tell I was not happy. She started asking me about it and we quickly got to, "I don't want my kid on drugs." Her reply was just as simple. "More than seventy percent of these kids who don't get medication end up self-medicating."
I blurted out, "That's what I did! I don't want that!" My reply made her very uncomfortable. But, what she'd said set me free. I don't want my son going down that destructive path. Because I was forced to deal with this issue very early on, I may have been pre-empting something much worse in the future.
Now I see things much differently. My son's daily medication isn't any different than asthma meds. It's just a different malady that he's being treated for. I thought I'd been "defeated" as a parent. What really happened is my son was surrounded by people who had no personal interest but, wanted to give him a lifelong victory anyway.
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
That's my view from here.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
A Chance To Sing
One of the best decisions I made early on was Friday Night Family Night. We would eat dinner, play games, tell stories, watch movies, and eat popcorn. It was inexpensive so, it was easy to do every week. It was also a blast! We had so much fun on those nights.
Now that the two older kids are teens and the youngest thinks he is, we really don't get to do this kind of family night more than once or twice a year but, we have great memories.
In a family full of musicians we naturally were going gravitate to musicals. It's a good thing that so many family films are musicals. If you cold have secretly entered our house at any moment in that first year, there was a good chance you would have caught us singing a tune from the Lion King, Aladdin, The Aristocats, or any number of animated musical films.
I know these family nights were contributing factors to all three of my kids being in school choirs. The two older ones are both involved in musical theater. All of these activities my kids are involved in are tremendous sources of joy for us. It never occurred to me that my kids would be so influenced by these nights. I was just looking for something we could all do together consistently.
I find myself smiling just writing about it!
One funny pattern that emerged during this time was my kids' affinity for two particular movies: The Sound of Music and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
For months it seemed that every week they wanted to watch one of these two movies. They are both great movies that I grew up with. I understand why my kids loved to watch them over and over again. I was rarely able to tell them no.
I didn't know how to explain to them, in a way they would understand, that both of these films were about single dads who were struggling with the role. Both meet beautiful women with even more beautiful singing voices. These women are happy to jump in and be a mother to the children and wife and lover to the dad. They go off to live and make music together happily ever after. They get to live my dream!
Seeing each movie once or twice was inspiring. There's hope for me! But, seeing them over and over again while dealing with all the emotional upheaval of the divorce process could get a little tough. But, my kids were enjoying themselves so much that I would usually put one of these movies on, wait for them to settle in and then sneek off and start to clean up. So, I was there but, not having to pay too much attention to the movie.
All in all it was a tiny sacrifice for a lifetime of great memories, relationships and influence with my kids. It is not uncommon for my oldest son, who is approaching twenty, to say, "Dad, I found a show that the two of us would probably enjoy watching together."
When one of the kids is in a show the rest of us enjoy showing up as a family to support and be entertained. It's not a chore for the kids. It's a pleasure.
All of these wonderful gifts in our lives have grown out of me stumbling onto a way for all of us to have fun together. I am always amazed at how good life can be when we get it right. Even if we get it right by chance.
That's my view from here.
Now that the two older kids are teens and the youngest thinks he is, we really don't get to do this kind of family night more than once or twice a year but, we have great memories.
In a family full of musicians we naturally were going gravitate to musicals. It's a good thing that so many family films are musicals. If you cold have secretly entered our house at any moment in that first year, there was a good chance you would have caught us singing a tune from the Lion King, Aladdin, The Aristocats, or any number of animated musical films.
I know these family nights were contributing factors to all three of my kids being in school choirs. The two older ones are both involved in musical theater. All of these activities my kids are involved in are tremendous sources of joy for us. It never occurred to me that my kids would be so influenced by these nights. I was just looking for something we could all do together consistently.
I find myself smiling just writing about it!
One funny pattern that emerged during this time was my kids' affinity for two particular movies: The Sound of Music and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
For months it seemed that every week they wanted to watch one of these two movies. They are both great movies that I grew up with. I understand why my kids loved to watch them over and over again. I was rarely able to tell them no.
I didn't know how to explain to them, in a way they would understand, that both of these films were about single dads who were struggling with the role. Both meet beautiful women with even more beautiful singing voices. These women are happy to jump in and be a mother to the children and wife and lover to the dad. They go off to live and make music together happily ever after. They get to live my dream!
Seeing each movie once or twice was inspiring. There's hope for me! But, seeing them over and over again while dealing with all the emotional upheaval of the divorce process could get a little tough. But, my kids were enjoying themselves so much that I would usually put one of these movies on, wait for them to settle in and then sneek off and start to clean up. So, I was there but, not having to pay too much attention to the movie.
All in all it was a tiny sacrifice for a lifetime of great memories, relationships and influence with my kids. It is not uncommon for my oldest son, who is approaching twenty, to say, "Dad, I found a show that the two of us would probably enjoy watching together."
When one of the kids is in a show the rest of us enjoy showing up as a family to support and be entertained. It's not a chore for the kids. It's a pleasure.
All of these wonderful gifts in our lives have grown out of me stumbling onto a way for all of us to have fun together. I am always amazed at how good life can be when we get it right. Even if we get it right by chance.
That's my view from here.
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